The Requested Drabbles
by September Silver
Summary: So. Give me a request, and I'll write it! Give me an OC, and I'll give you a drabble about him or her! Fun stuff. Hopefully.
1. Can I Pee On You?

**Hello! This is a request drabble collection. Basically, I'm not coming up with the ideas. YOU are. Give me a recipe for some fun I'll write it in this little drabble collection! If you have any OCs you want in this story, PM me telling me about them and they can join in the fun too!**

**To start you off, here's a little story about what happened when Murder Rose and China Sorrows went after Skul's family...**

* * *

****Can I Pee On You?

_In which Murder Rose learns that she doesn't like children_

* * *

Nefarian Serpine stood before them, right arm behind his back.

"Hello, my dears," he grinned. "I have a special mission for you today."

Murder Rose turned to look at China Sorrows, who was, as always, focused on the task at hand and not paying any attention to her. Pity.

"This mission is of the greatest importance. It is this mission which will lead to Skulduggery Pleasant finally being broken once and for all. It will be a milestone in the war. Him and the Dead Men will crumble—"

"What do you want me to do?" interrupted Murder Rose, who was getting rather irritated.

Serpine glared at her. "I want you to go and bring me his wife and child."

Murder Rose felt a huge smile creeping across her face, which was rather unusual. It was however, she felt, necessary. She hadn't killed anybody in so long, and she was excited to feel her sword slicing through flesh again. Flesh that didn't belong to the chicken she cooked for dinner last night. What? You don't think that she should use her sword to cut up a chicken? She was _desperate_.

"You can't kill either of them though."

She scowled. China remained nonchalant. As usual.

They finally arrived at Skulduggery's house, by which time it was midnight, because every spooky story is like that. China had decided to go after his wife, whereas Murder was going after his child. Just, you know, for some variety.

China took a deep breath and tied her hair back into a ponytail. She stepped up to the door and knocked.

"It's midnight, nobody's going to answer the door," Murder noted.

The symbol China had earlier carved on the door glowed and the door opened without a sound.

"Oh."

China stepped in, so softly it was like she was walking on air. Murder's boots clacked against the wooden floor.

"Shut up."

"Try being quiet when you're wearing combat boots."

"Try not wearing combat boots."

Murder scowled and China walked past her, into the living room. Skulduggery's wife was standing there, a ball of flame in each hand.

"See, China? Knocking would have worked after all!"

China sighed as Skulduggery's wife dived at her.

Murder managed to avoid the commotion and made her way to the kid's room. She kicked the door open and grabbed the kid and it screamed and—

"OK, what the hell am I doing here?"

They were in France. _The kid is a teleporter. Oh my god._

"Who are you?" asked the little boy.

She groaned.

"Wait! I know! You're Aunty Mary!" the boy squealed, hugging her. _Ugh. _Murder tried to peel him off.

"Who the hell is Aunty Mary?"

"You are!"

"OK, fine."

"I need to pee. Can I pee on you or do you want me to use the bathroom?"

Murder's grip on him tightened. "If you pee on me, I will injure you very badly."

The little boy smiled and teleported them into his toilet at his house. He then gave her a sad look.

"I don't know how to take off my pants."

She took deep breaths. "Grab the edges and pull."

He pulled them really hard to the sides and they went _twack_ against his legs and he started crying.

"I am not going to help you take off your pants! You take off your pants or you pee in them!"

He stopped sniffling and she could smell urine.

"No! Don't pee in your pants!"

"But you said I could!"

"I didn't!"

"You did!"

"Oh my god, I swear-"

"If you don't take off my pants I will teleport you to somewhere big and far away. Like the ocean! Do you like the ocean?"

She gritted her teeth. Clenching her eyes shut, she pulled down his pants...

And got peed on.

"Oops." giggled the little boy, and she grabbed her sword.

Suddenly, she heard a crash, and the sound of Skulduggery's wife and China screaming.

"Mommy? Should I help Mommy?"

She smiled as nicely as possible. "No, Mommy's _fine._"

"But Mommy is screaming!"

"No, Mommy is singing. She just has a really crappy singing voice."

"But she's a good singer!"

"No! I'm a good singer."

"Really! Will you sing me a lullaby?"

She picked him up and sang him _Pumped Up Kicks. _

"No, you're not a good singer."

She frowned. "Yes I am."

Still singing, she slowly walked him to the car outside, where China was now waiting. Skulduggery's wife was in the boot of the car. She was unconscious, luckily.

"We're taking you to Disneyland!" she beamed at him. "So don't teleport!"

He looked at China and was instantly entranced. "You're pretty."

China smiled, but Murder could tell it wasn't genuine. "Thank you."

"Can I pee on you?"

She slapped him. "Hell no. Get in the car."

Murder quickly interjected. "She's part of the haunted house."

"She came all the way from the haunted house to see me?"

"Yes she did. She's a vampire."

China glared at her and she laughed, getting inside the car. The little boy quickly fell asleep.

"You have pee on you."

"I know."

**Tell me what you think, and give me a request!**


	2. We Are Completely Sane! (Shavel)

**Hello there, my wonderful, wonderful people! Thank you for the wonderful feedback so far!**

**This one is dedicated to Athena Chaos (awesome pen name, by the way) who requested Shavel. Hope I didn't mess up! Fingers crossed...**

* * *

We Are Completely Sane!

_In which somebody throws up on Erskine_

* * *

Anton Shudder made his way into the Sanctuary, pushing past anybody who happened to be unlucky enough to cross his path.

"Erskine!"

He kicked open the door to find Erskine sitting down, waiting for him with a grin on his face. His hair had just been brushed, Shudder noted. _Wait, no. Think about the task at hand, Anton._

"Why the hell did you just invent that law?"

Erskine clasped his hands together. "I was bored, my sweet."

"I'm being serious."

"When are you not serious?"

"What made you think it was a good idea to ban the Midnight Hotel from moving around? And you didn't have to put that charm on it!"

Erskine's grin grew ever wider. "I charm everything I see. Every_one_. Including you."

Shudder sighed and looked aways. "Yes you do. But you didn't have to charm the _building_."

"I did, because otherwise you wouldn't come and see me."

Shudder snapped back to attention and glared at him. "What are you talking about?"

"You're so obsessed with that thing, Shudder. You work all the time. And you never come see me."

"So you put a charm on the building."

"Yep. Now do you want to go do something fun?"

Shudder frowned. "If I do, will you return the building to normal?"

"Yip."

"I could just rip you to shreds and get somebody else to fix it."

"Yeah, but you love me too much."

"Unfortunately, I do."

* * *

"Where are we? And what is this?

"This," Erskine grinned, "Is a machine that I am going to use to make you have fun once and for all."

It was a roller coaster.

"Really, Erskine?"

"Really. Now get in the queue."

They stood in the queue for about ten minutes before they got on the ride.

Just before they took off, Shudder turned to him and said, "I just had lunch."

"Oh." And then they sped off.

Halfway through, Erskine heard a noise. A kind of retching noise.

"Are you all right?" he asked Shudder, who was staring off into space with a bored expression on his face.

"Considering that you've put me on this incredibly fast car due to blackmail, no. But I am not going to vomit. I think you'll find that the person behind you is the one that's going to vomit."

And then...well. I'm sure you can guess. Erskine then decided to hit the offender with a large blast of air, and as he thrust his hands open, Shudder also got a little spray of something unpleasant.

"And then you call this _fun_," he said as he wiped himself off with a black handkerchief.

On the way home, it was raining. Erskine didn't want to shield himself and Shudder from the rain because of the mortals around him, so he let himself get wet.

And by the time they reached the Sanctuary, Erskine and Shudder were _covered_ in water.

"You're an elemental," Shudder said. "And yet you can't dry yourself off."

"I didn't dry myself off," Erskine grinned, "Because I wanted to do _this_!" And he shook himself from side to side like a dog and water flew all over Shudder...

And Madame Mist, who had been by his side, waiting to speak to him.

Erskine sighed. "Of course. Of course. Of course you appeared _just at that moment_. What can I do for ya?"

She peered at him from underneath her veil. "Ghastly and I are going to show-"

"Heard enough," Erskine said, and grabbed Shudder and threw him into a room.

"Erskine. Why?"

"Because I had the sudden urge to do this," said Erskine, and kissed him.

* * *

A little over fifteen minutes later, things had gotten _slightly _more heated.

And so you can just imagine what was going on when Tipstaff opened the door.

Followed by Ghastly.

Followed by Mist.

Followed by Sult, who whipped out his camera.

Followed by every Grand Mage and Elder around the world.

"I did try to tell you," Mist said, "That we were having guests. They wanted to check up on us because they thought _some of us were insane_."

Ravel paused, and then gestured widely with his arms. "See? We are _completely _sane!"

**Now please review, and Falling, I'm getting to you shortly!**


	3. No, That Was a Bomb (OC)

**Greetings, my wonderful, wonderful people! This next one is less funny, more actual story. It features Orexis 'Rexa' Sepelire, who is FallingFree10's OC. So FallingFree10, this one is dedicated to you, and I hope you love it.**

* * *

****No, That Was a Bomb

_In which Tanith and Sanguine learn: Don't take trains_

* * *

He didn't notice her.

But she was there.

Orexis Sepelire grabbed the man and kept him in a chokehold, bringing her Browning Hi-Power pistol out to hold at his head.

"You are going to be completely still," she whispered, "Or I am going to use this on you. And you don't want that."

The man conjured up a flame but she gathered shadows in her hand and wrapped them around the fire, extinguishing it.

"Hm, maybe you do want that. All right, I'm going to take you down to the Sanctuary. Please don't do anything stupid. I don't feel like wasting a bullet."

The man grunted. She tapped her foot with the silver anklet on the ground and darkness rose up, engulfing them. When the darkness lifted, she was in the middle of the Sanctuary, Ravel and Ghastly ready to receive her. Technically, ready to receive _him_, since there were Cleavers standing nearby, and Ravel was carrying handcuffs. The man ran, but Orexis (let's call her Rexa, shall we?) put a bullet in his leg and he fell. She walked over and kicked him in the stomach for good measure.

"That's enough," grinned Ravel. Ghastly took the handcuffs from Ravel and got to work on the new arrival. "Good job, you got him."

She shrugged. "As always. Anyway, get him out of here. I've had enough of him for the rest of my life. I had to track him for an _hour_ before I could go in."

Ghastly looked at her. "Hopefully, you won't have to deal with this guy again, but we do have another assignment. As always, it'll be secret, so..."

"My lips will be sealed. Figuratively, anyway. Maybe literally if I fail."

"We're asking you to capture Billy-Ray Sanguine and Tanith Low."

She froze. Images flashed through her head so quickly they were barely there. Memories. Sanguine slashing her hip open. Her being defeated. Looking at the scar every moment she woke up. That _look_ in his eyes, that look of sadistic delight. The _pain_.

She snapped out of it, and asked, "Dead or alive?" _Dead. Dead. Dead._

"Alive," Ghastly blurted out. More slowly, he added, "Tanith, the real Tanith—she's in there somewhere."

"We might send you some backup," Ravel cut in. "In case things go wrong."

"When does anything ever go wrong?" Rexa shrugged. She was itching to get out so she could let her horror show on her face. "And when has backup ever set anything right?"

* * *

It was midnight. There was a beautiful breeze rustling through her strawberry blonde hair, and she sat and dangled her biker-boot-clad feet off the top of the building. It would have been gorgeously, scarily quiet, if it weren't for Tanith and Sanguine bickering beneath her. Her stomach twisted at the though of that man she hated.

"You are an idiot, Sanguine."

"I am _not_."

"Look. I go steal the money, I run out of the bank, and I can't find you. Where were you? Chatting up some girl in a bar. _A bar_. _It was a bar."_

"Yes," he muttered angrily, "I know it was a bar."

"And then I had to go up against seven mages from the Sanctuary. _Seven_. I got jailed. And then you were late getting me out. Where were you? Chatting up _another girl _in _another bar_. You are clearly an idiot."

Rexa observed them with her deep blue eyes. She needed the right moment. Tanith's hand was too close to her sword. Plus, Rexa was sure that they would start fighting, and when one of them was down and the other was tired, she'd advance. Patience was a virtue she had been forced to acquire.

"You're always screamin' at me, honey bunny. What am I supposed to do? I ain't your _slave_."

"Um, sorry to break it to you, but you kind of _are_. You wanna rephrase the sentence?"

Then Sanguine lunged, Tanith drew out her sword, and Rexa grinned. _I should've brought some popcorn_.

Tanith stepped out of the way and Sanguine stumbled. She raised her sword, ready for the kill, and Rexa gathered shadows in her hands.

And then someone came along and threw a bad fireball at Tanith. _What is this guy doing here?_

Rexa's eyes widened as Tanith turned and ran towards him.

"I do everything around here," she groaned as she rocketed herself towards Tanith, the shadows lifting her up. They collided and rolled across the ground for a while before the man attempted to help Rexa by throwing a punch at Tanith. The punch missed. It hit Rexa and Tanith was able to recover slightly. Rexa threw a wall of shadows at Tanith, who was launched off and went sprawling.

Rexa took the opportunity to shadow-walk away with the man before something bad happened. _I have something to say to this guy_.

Once she was a safe distance away, she glared at the random dude and said, "What the hell were you doing?"

He took deep breaths, as if he were exhausted. Probably was. "I... thought... you needed... backup..."

She groaned. "Yes I did. I needed _backup_. I didn't need an ugly fat man who can't throw a fireball to save his life. OR MINE."

"The Sanctuary... sent me..."

"The Sanctuary... sent you... to do the groceries. Now go away."

The man whimpered. She glared. The man stopped whimpering. She kept glaring.

"Go away," she said again, and the man waddled off, leaving her to walk home in silence.

* * *

The next day, she had gone back to Ghastly, who said he had sent Crazy Fat Man. She gave him a quizzical look.

"He was too eager. I purposely gave him the wrong address, but apparently he found his way to the right address."

"Or maybe you didn't know the address and when you gave him what you thought was the wrong address, you actually gave him the right address."

Ghastly blushed. "Maybe. Now, I have a bomb for you to plant in the train that Tanith and Sanguine will be taking in an hour. It's an extremely powerful bomb, but the explosion is small enough to be contained in their carriage and their carriage alone."

"So we're going to injure everyone in the carriage."

"Um, yes, but that's their very own private carriage, with nobody else in it. They have a lot of money right now."

"They _stole_ a lot of money."

"Um. Yes. Get out."

She laughed and set off for the train station.

She arrived at the train station at exactly the right time. The train pulled up, and she made sure she was the last to get on. Why?

"Tickets, please," said a lady on the train, and Rexa knocked her out with the butt of her gun.

That's why.

"Sorreee..." she said as she walked over the lady. She made her way over to where Tanith and Sanguine's carriage should've been.

_Should've been_. I say that because as she walked in the carriage, she noticed fifty regular people there. And then she realised something.

She was on the wrong train. Ghastly had given her the wrong tickets. She knew because, right behind the train she was on, she saw another train through the window at the back wall. And through the window of that train, Tanith was cheerfully waving at her.

"Hm," she said out loud. And then she shot a series of holes through the train carriage, creating a little door for herself. The passengers screamed, so she took a little bow and waved graciously before propelling herself towards the other train.

She proceeded to smash through the window of the other train and climb in. "Hello," she said to Sanguine. _I hate you. I want you to die. _"How are you?"

"Good, thanks."

She put her hands in her pockets, retrieving the thumb-sized bomb. _I am going to kill you too. _"So, Tanith, is he driving you crazy?"

"Yep."

She pretended to lean against a chair but was actually sticking the bomb to it. _I'm sticking a bomb to your seat and you didn't even notice, fool. _"Why are you not attacking me?"

"I'm tired."

She laughed. _I can't wait to shoot you in the brain. _"Like I'm going to believe that."

"Yeah, no. Actually, it's because we were waiting to get you into the right position for us to throw you out the window. And there's a window right nearby, so I think we can probably start attacking you now."

She lunged with the sword but Rexa batted it away with her shadows. "You can't throw me with a sword. I don't think that's technically possible." _I don't know when the bomb is going to go off._

Sanguine grabbed her and she tried to kick him but missed. "Yeah, I think that's the way you're supposed to do it. Tanith, you should take some lessons from him."

They picked her up and actually smashed another window open with her head before throwing her out of it. She decided to trail along behind the carriage and watch it blow up.

She looked through the window. The bomb beeped, and Tanith whirled around just as it threw up a little cloud of smoke with a _poof_. Rexa felt her stomach drop. _What kind of bomb is that?_

Tanith stared at it. "Was that a bomb?"

Rexa looked at her. "Seriously, I have no idea what the hell that was."

And then the bomb beeped again. And _this _time it blew up properly, and Tanith and Sanguine were blasted and hurtled below the tracks.

Rexa looked at what had been the carriage. "No, that was a bomb." And she swooped down, grabbed them, and shadow-walked.

* * *

Ravel looked at her. "Well done."

She shrugged. "Thanks. That was really a stupid bomb, by the way."

"Why?"

"Um. No reason. Anyway, have you locked them away yet?"

"We're trying to."

"If they get out, don't bother calling me. I've really had enough of these people. I'd rather have to deal with the last guy."

Ravel smiled. "Well, anyway, you're dismissed for now."

She tapped her foot with the anklet on the ground. "I don't know what you'd do without me," she grinned before she disappeared. "I really don't."

**Next we are going to be graced with some Thrashgrace. YAY! And what I like about Rexa that I didn't mention in the story is that on her anklet, the words _Pariter vivant umbris _are written on them. I thought that was cool. (It means 'together they live in the shadows.') Remember to review (especially you, Falling) and give me a request!**

**P.S Did you spot the China Sorrows quote?**


	4. So You're Female Then? (Thrashgrace)

**Oh boy, I _really_ went to town on this one. I think you'll enjoy it. This one is dedicated to ShegoRulz, and it's Thrashgrace, the king of all comedy pairings. Enjoy, my wonderful, wonderful people!**

* * *

So You're Female Then?

_In which we learn how to get out of passport control_

* * *

This was just a regular airport, and everything was normal.

Wait. Scratch that. There's a woman in passport control arguing because her passport says she is a man named Vaurien Scapegrace. And her boyfriend apparently looks more handsome in his passport photograph then in real life. Wait, that's not a woman. It _is _Scapegrace.

"I know it says I'm a man!" Scapegrace yelled. "I AM A MAN!"

"Um, no, you're clearly not. Your boyfriend there, though, is. Still, he doesn't look anything like his passport photo."

"HE IS NOT MY BOYFRIEND! AND I AM A MAN!"

The security looked at him like he was absolutely crazy. "Sir, we're going to have to put you in jail if you keep insisting that you're male."

"I AM MALE!"

"Master... I don't actually know if you're male or not," Thrasher gulped.

"OF COURSE I AM MALE YOU FOOL!" he screamed, and kicked Thrasher in the shin. Thrasher assumed the fetal position and cried.

"Sir, we're going to have to put you in prison," the guard started.

"No! No! The Zombie King will not take orders!"

"I think it should be the Zombie Queen," Thrasher added helpfully, and Scapegrace pulled him off the floor.

"Let us ride in our carriage!" he yelled, running towards one of those car things that airports have. **(What do you call those?)**

Thrasher got in first and, once Scapegrace was seated, started driving at top speed. Scapegrace gave a regal wave to anybody who passed him, and like any good lady wearing a dress, he kept his legs together.

Thrasher looked at him. "Ma'am?"

"I am male, Thrasher."

"You're wearing a dress. With flowers on it. Pink flowers."

"But they're _pretty_!"

"Um... All right... anyway, we're heading for a store. Do you want me to switch directions before we collide?"

"No! The shops will part for the Zombie King!"

Thrasher whimpered and drove straight into a cafe, knocking everybody over.

Scapegrace whispered to Thrasher, "I need to get some makeup on the way, so can you head to Sephora?"

Thrasher gave him a horrified look. "I think you're turning female."

"No! I'm not! Just because a man wears a pink dress and high heels doesn't make him female!"

Thrasher looked at Scapegrace's heels. "Ah. That's why you needed the car to get away from the security."

"No! I practice running in heels all the time. See?" Scapegrace hopped out of the car and started running alongside it. That is, until he tripped and fell flat on his face.

Thrasher jumped off the car and went to help Scapegrace up. "I'm sorry," he sobbed. "I shouldn't have let you run in heels."

Scapegrace looked at him. "Wait, did you turn off the car?"

A couple of shrieks gave him his answer, and he looked up to see the car disappearing into the sunset. Technically the airport. Details, details.

"Well, if we can't run, we can hide!" Scapegrace shouted, and jumped into a coffee shop. "Act normal!" he told Thrasher.

They both sat down at a table. And sat. And sat. And then a guy came up to Scapegrace.

"Hello, beautiful. Can I buy you something?"

Scapegrace looked at him. "Bring me a cup of coffee, slave."

He laughed. "All right then. Is this your boyfriend?"

Scapegrace looked at Thrasher. He was sleeping with his mouth wide open, and was slowly sliding down the chair. "Um."

"I'll take that as a no."

And then the man kept on talking to her—HIM, sorry—and would not shut up. And Scapegrace was beginning to feel annoyed. She—HE—kept trying to tell him that he was male, but the guy would just laugh and say something boring.

Finally, the man left, but only so he could order Scapegrace's coffee and come back. Scapegrace woke Thrasher up by slapping him.

"Thrasher," he said, "I need you to pretend you're my boyfriend so this man will stop bugging me."

Thrasher looked at him blankly. "OK." When Scapegrace turned away, he squealed happily.

The man came back.

"DON'T TOUCH MY BOYFRIEND!" Thrasher screamed, flailing his arms about, and Scapegrace put his head in his hands. "DON'T TOUCH HIM! GET AWAY FROM HIM! GO! MOVE!"

The man gave him a confused look, and Thrasher said, "SEE? HE HATES YOU ENOUGH THAT HE MADE ME HIS BOYFRIEND! SO GO!"

The man was completely lost for words, so he settled for walking away.

"YOU'D _BETTER_ RUN!" Thrasher shouted, and the man walked faster.

"How did I do?" he said.

Scapegrace stared at him with his mouth open. "I am going to kill you," he managed to say.

Thrasher sat back down and Scapegrace glared at him. They sat there for a while.

"I love you," Thrasher grinned.

"Um, you don't have to pretend to be my boyfriend anymore."

Thrasher sagged. "But it's fun..."

"No."

"Pretty please?"

"I'M NOT YOUR BOYFRIEND!"

"Can I not pretend to be your boyfriend and actually _be _your boyfriend?"

Scapegrace looked at him for a long time. "Why?"

"Because."

"Very helpful."

"Please?"

Scapegrace thought. _Darn it. I think I am actually becoming female. I actually have feelings for... this is disgusting._

"If I say yes, will you give me your donut?"

"Yep."

"OK then. It's settled."

"Yay," Thrasher smiled. And Scapegrace smiled.

"So you're female then?" the security guard right next to them asked, and they both jumped.

**Now, please give me a request, because I've run out of them. Thank you! And ShegoRulz, tell me if you enjoyed your chapter please!**


	5. Do You Want Me to Sing? (OC)

**Yay for AppleCrumblePerson! Two reasons for this.**

**1. She gave me a request. Why did the rest of you stop giving me requests?**

**2. Dusk is really, really fun to do, plus he's one of my favourite characters.**

**So anyway, this is about her lovely OC, Threnody Lilly. She has a _diamond sword_. I want one now, darn it.**

* * *

Do You Want Me to Sing If You're Happy and You Know It?

_In which Dusk learns how to un-disconnect a television_

* * *

Dusk groaned. "Stop it. Please. Just stop it."

Threnody Lilly gave him a look. "Oh really? You want me to kick you out? You want to live on the street?"

"No. However—"

"However? Really? I could seriously kick you out right now."

"I could seriously kill you right now."

She paused. "Um. Okay. Let's forget it. I'll stop singing, and you can sit and do whatever you're doing.

"I'm trying to sleep. I'm going out on a little stakeout tonight and I want to be able to sleep _now_ and not fall asleep _then_. Do you understand? Or is your brain so small that I have to spell it out for you?"

"I think it would actually be more hard to understand if you spelt it out..."

He leapt out of his chair with amazing speed and grabbed her, slamming her against the wall.

"Dude! Chill!"

He sighed. "It does me no favours keeping you alive."

She drew out her diamond sword and he backed away slowly, going to sit in his chair. "I will kill you," he promised.

"I know," she smiled.

* * *

Skulduggery and Valkyrie were there. Walking. Discussing a murder. Unprepared.

Dusk kept to the shadows, watching them. The girl looked excited about something. The skeleton—well, Dusk couldn't really tell what he was feeling. He didn't have a face.

Finally, they separated. Valkyrie was walking towards her house. She had special blood. It was slightly spicy, tingling with power and energy. It invigorated him.

Dusk walked forward, ready to taste her blood again.

"Dusk?"

He growled and turned around. "Lilly, what are you doing here?"

"You disconnected the radio!"

"You were driving me _insane_."

"You. Disconnected. The. Radio."

"Yes. I. Did. You. Stupid. Idiot."

"Well, how do you _un_-disconnect the radio?"

"Look, I don't have time for this right now—"

"Please?"

"No."

"Pretty please?"

"Pretty please or ugly please, no."

"What about a neutral please?"

"Go home."

"No!"

"I swear to God, if you don't leave right now, I'm going to disconnect the television too."

"I already did."

"YOU DISCONNECTED MY TELEVISION?"

"YES I DID, NOW HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL?"

"UN-DISCONNECT THE TELEVISION THEN!"

"NO! NOT UNTIL YOU UN-DISCONNECT THE RADIO!"

"To un-disconnect the television, you have to find the little black wire at the side, then plug it into the hole on the left," said Skulduggery Pleasant.

"Really?"

"No, I just made that up."

Dusk tried to punch him but Skulduggery sent him back with a large blast of air. Valkyrie sliced shadows into his back but he lashed out with his leg and she was sent sprawling.

"You haven't told me how to un-disconnect the radio yet," Threnody noted as Skulduggery set fire to Dusk.

Dusk lashed out at Skulduggery and tried to extinguish himself.

"There's a fire extinguisher over there," Threnody yawned, making no move to go get it.

Dusk and Skulduggery rolled across the ground, Valkyrie running after after them, dealing blows to Dusk whenever she could.

Threnody sighed. "All right, fine. I'll save your sorry little ass."

She pulled out her sword and swung it through Skulduggery and Dusk, breaking them apart. Dusk reacted fast enough to move his arms away in time, but Threnody sliced through part of Skulduggery's arms and he cried out. She grabbed the fire extinguisher, sprayed Dusk, and disappeared into the bushes with him.

Once they were further away, she smiled at Dusk. "See? Wasn't I helpful?"

He looked at her. "You helped me."

She actually felt a small bit of fondness for him. "Yep!"

"You helped me!" he snarled. "I could've taken them both! Are you trying to mock me?"

"What? You should be grateful? And you _couldn't _take them!"

His face suddenly twisted into an emotion she'd never seen before, something dark, and for the first time in his presence she was truly afraid.

"I have been waiting," he snarled, "for the moment where I can kill you. This is it."

His head dived towards her neck but she batted it away with her sword and _ran like freaking hell_.

He was gaining on her and she knew it. She turned her head back and forth, desperate to find something, _anything_ that would help her out. She settled for a black motorbike.

"Hm," she said as she leapt on it and sped off. "I've always wanted to try riding one of these things."

* * *

Where the hell was she?

She was in this street in the middle of nowhere, and she had no idea how to get out. She had long since fallen off the bike, and she was tired and cold. She wanted to go home, but she couldn't. One reason was because Dusk would kill her. The other reason was because she couldn't find her way home if she tried.

And then she heard a high voice.

"I haven't killed anybody in ages," it said. And then she recognized the thing strolling towards her.

Nye.

"Hello," it rasped. It did the closest thing to smiling it could. "Are you ready to die?"

She tried to run but was too exhausted to get very far. Nye grabbed her with one hand and grabbed a scalpel with the other.

"Say goodnight."

"Goodnight," Dusk said before sinking his teeth into its neck. Nye thrashed and squealed, but Dusk wouldn't let go. His face contorted in disgust, and after Nye stopped thrashing, he immediately spat out the blood.

"That," he sighed, "was disgusting."

She got ready to run again, but he held up his hand. "I'm not going to kill you."

"Why?" she asked, arms folded.

"I seem to have become _attached _to you," he said, grimacing as if it were awful that he had emotion.

She looked at him. "Hm."

"I un-disconnected the radio."

"Truth be told," she grinned. "I didn't really disconnect the television in the first place."

Dusk did something strange. He smiled.

"You look stupid," he grinned. "You look like you fell into a puddle of mud."

She made a face. "I did."

He laughed and she scowled.

"Do you want me to sing _If You're Happy and You Know It?"_

He stopped laughing. "No."

"Good," she said, and sang it as they walked home.

**Now remember to review and to GIVE ME A REQUEST! I can't write this thing otherwise!**


	6. Maybe You Could Get an Afro (Serduggery)

**This is really weird, and not even funny, and it has no plot, and basically this sentence is getting too long, but I just got a lot of new projects and requests and I kind of had to do this on a time limit. Still, though, it was super fun to do, and Bryn'ryou'ishtar was right-it's a great pairing. (It's Serduggery, in case you didn't read the title. I don't even know what the pairing's officially called, actually.) It's like a battle of the amazing egos and wits XD**

**On a separate note, thank you for the sudden increase of reviews! I love you, WWPs! (I noticed that I was calling you 'wonderful wonderful people' a lot, so I'm shortening it to WWPs.)**

* * *

Maybe You Could Get an Afro

_In which we learn that Serpine likes pies_

"That took you a while, Pleasant," Serpine sneered as Skulduggery ran into the room, slamming the door behind him.

"Well," Skulduggery began, "Try getting through six lines of defense. Which, by the way, you could've called off at any time."

"But that would've ruined the _fun_ of it, don't you think?"

Skulduggery sighed. "The fun of what, me walking into a room?"

"Exactly. It's boring as hell, so I have to spice things up a bit."

"You see this?" Skulduggery said, pointing to a bleeding scar on his head. "This could've been avoided if you'd called off your little lackeys."

"This _entire charade_ could've been avoided if you just hadn't married your stupid little wife. Then you wouldn't have to run around like a chicken with its head cut off to see me."

"You know full well that I'd _still_ be running around. And that's due to the fact that you're an evil sadist, whereas I'm an evil sadist who's _not working for_ _Mevolent._"

"You call yourself an evil sadist? When you're less than five feet away from _me?_"

"True. Compared to you, I'm a _mega _evil sadist."

"Compared to me, you're a rabbit. Or something adorable and fluffy."

"I _am _adorable."

"You're not fluffy, though. Maybe you could get an afro."

"Anyway, why don't _you_ bust your ass running after _me _for a change?"

"Because I don't have the _time_, Pleasant."

"I'll buy you a pink diary for you to schedule some time in."

"Look-"

"No looks, not buts. You want to see me, you find a way."

"We already _found _a way. You run after me and I carry on doing whatever I'm doing.

"Nefarian. I mean it."

"You don't really."

"I do." And with that Skulduggery walked out.

* * *

"Hello, Pleasant," Serpine smiled cheerfully as Skulduggery was hanging off the edge of a cliff.

"Yes, hello. Could you help me out a little bit here?"

"I could."

"But you're not going to, are you?"

"I don't know, really. Do you think I'd get a promotion if I killed you?"

"You've already been promoted as much as possible. Now please help me."

"_Please_? My dear, you've gotten soft."

"Help me up. Now. Or I will bring you down with me."

"That's more like it."

"But you're still not going to help me up."

"No."

"I baked you a pie."

"A pie? Why would you bake me a pie?"

"Because you secretly like pie."

"How did you know that I liked pie?"

"I saw you stuffing your face on one of your missions?"

"How did you manage to spy on me?"

"Um. Anyway, I have a pie at home, and if you don't help me up I won't give it to you."

"If I don't help you up, you'll die, and I can just break into your house and get the pie."

"My wife won't be too happy about that."

"Ah."

"And my house has been bound."

Serpine looked at him for a long time. "Okay, fine, I'll help you up. But only if you give me the pie."

He helped him up, and then Skulduggery said, "Can I eat some of the pie?"

"No."

**Okay, that was... weird... ANYWAY**

**Up next, we're going to have some fun with Nye. So stay tuned! And review! Bye WWPs!**


	7. Let's Go Dissect The Dog! (Nye)

**All right, Morgan Sulfur, this one's for you. And you're awesome. Why?**

**a)Unisex name. I have a unisex name too. Unisex names are awesome.**

**b)Your story is awesome. In fact, I even named the puppy and kitten after your characters.**

**I will admit that the whole Nye being allergic only really comes up at the last minute, and for some reason a tad of Mist/Ravel got in there, and it's purposely OOC, but you know what? I don't really care.**

* * *

_Let's Go Dissect the Dog!_

In which Skulduggery gets snot on his head

* * *

Valkyrie skipped into the room in the Sanctuary.

"Do you like my kitten and puppy?" she grinned at Skulduggery, who tilted his head. "Their names are Katharine and Helen! "

Skulduggery peered at the puppy. "Shee's trying to eat my leg right now."

"Well, who told you to wear shorts?"

"Please stop the _thing_ from eating my leg."

"But isn't she adorable?"

"Yes, yes, very adorable. _Get her the hell off me._"

Valkyrie pouted, and then Katharine started clawing the puppy, who didn't let go of Skulduggery's leg.

"Valkyrie," Skulduggery said in a warning tone.

"I'll get them off you," she sighed, and tried to pick up Helen. Shee wouldn't budge, and then Katharine stuck her claws in her and she yelped and ran off, taking Skulduggery with her.

"Skulduggery!" Valkyrie yelled, running after him. His bones clattered against the floor as he was dragged off.

"This is physically impossible," Skulduggery noted as the puppy kept running.

Ravel saw the puppy running away with Skulduggery and began to run after them both. "Come back here! Dogs are not allowed!"

Mist saw the puppy and ran after them too. "That's the puppy who peed on my robes!" she yelled.

Eventually, they all tripped over each other, and Future, Cray, and Skulduggery disappeared from view.

"Oh, crap," Valkyrie muttered as Mist and Ravel desperately tried to disentangle themselves.

* * *

Skulduggery was actually enjoying being dragged. It was a lot more fun than _walking, _that was for sure.

And then he realised where he was headed.

* * *

"Where do you think they are?" Valkyrie asked, panicking, as Ravel and Mist made sure they didn't look each other in the eye.

"I don't know why I'm helping you find this thing," Ravel muttered.

"I know why _I'm _helping," Mist said. "It's because, after I track down that puppy, I'm going to kill it. I'll dissect it slowly. Painfully. Take out its spine."

Valkyrie gave Mist a horrified look, so she shut her mouth and kept looking.

"Hey, I hear something!" Valkyrie smiled, and ran in the direction of a puppy barking.

She got there and found it was Ghastly's ringtone.

"Ghastly," she sighed, "Will you help me find a puppy? And a kitten? And Skulduggery?"

"Why, so you can help Mist dissect it?"

She looked at Mist before Ghastly continued, "Yeah, she's been talking about killing that thing all day."

Valkyrie glared and kept looking.

* * *

They were in Nye's room/office. By _they, _I mean Skulduggery, Helen, and Katharine. And they were knocking _everything _over.

Beakers of acid were shattered. Furniture had been overturned. Paper was everywhere. Poisonous mixtures were mixing together on the floor. And Skulduggery was loving _every minute of it_.

That is, until Nye walked in. Then Skulduggery loved it even more.

"Hello, you old bugger," Skulduggery laughed. "Having as much fun as I am right now?"

Skulduggery expected Nye's face to twist in anger. It didn't. It froze.

And then it _screamed_.

"OH MY GOD! GET THEM OUT OF HERE!" Nye squeaked, trying to climb up on his laboratory table. "OUT! OUT!"

Skulduggery pried Helen off his leg. "Um. Why?"

""I'm...AH...AHHHH...AHHCHOOOO! ALLERGIC!" Nye sneezed, spraying snot all over Skulduggery, who immediately ran out of the room to go look for a bathroom.

At that moment, Valkyrie, Mist, Ghastly, and Ravel ran _into_ the room.

Valkyrie whooped. "Thank you Nye, you found them!"

"TAKE THEM OUT!" Nye wailed, sobbing and sniffling. He started breaking out in green and orange spots. "SERIOUSLY!"

And then Katharine climbed up Ravel's clothes.

"Hello, adorable thing," he cooed, and then she scratched his face.

He dropped her in shock. "YOU JUST TEMPORARILY RUINED MY GOOD LOOKS!" He stepped on her with all his might and she was squished.

The entire room was silent, except that Mist started clapping happily. "Let's go dissect the dog!" she laughed, and Ravel and her grabbed some of the instruments that had fallen on the floor.

"No! No! Come back here!" Valkyrie yelled as they grabbed Helen and ran off.

**Sorry, that was awful. I got a bit carried away. Anyway, we're going to have drunk Valkyrie next.**

**MUAHAHAHA...**


	8. Get Off the Dunk Tank and Shut Up (Val)

**BTW, last time I meant that my _real_ name was unisex, not my pen name. I was going to say something important right now but I forgot. Hm.**

**Anyways, this is for Guest, who requested a drunk or sugar rushed Valkyrie. Sugar rush sounds super awesome, but I went with drunk. (Maybe some day I'll do a random story about a Val sugar rush... I don't know.)**

**A quick note: This is in the POV of my random OC that I just made up. **

* * *

_Get Off the Dunk Tank and Shut Up_**  
**

In which Valkyrie pole dances on a street lamp

* * *

Valkyrie walked in the door.

Wait a minute, do I mean _walked_? No. I mean that she slammed into the door and fell over backwards, after which Skulduggery picked her up and brought her into his house.

Why? Because she was _drunk_, honey.

How? Let's just say that it's what happens when Tanith holds parties.

Tanith had just been released from the remnant, and she wanted to have a good time. So she invited a couple of people over to her house. (Open a new window in Safari, go to the Skulduggery Pleasant archive on fanfiction, and look in the list of characters. That was the guest list. And plus, we had a random drunk guy show up. Yeah, that's right, _we._ I was there.)

I wasn't invited, I just walked in the door, and Tanith hugged me and basically said, "Hello, whoever you are! You're going to have a really great time!"

"Um, Tanith, did you invite this random person?" Valkyrie asked, coming to join her.

"Meh. I'm sure I did. Come on, let's party!"

Valkyrie gave me a bit of a weird look but let me in.

We had a blast. Mist stayed in the corner, Ravel and Vex took turns annoying Shudder, Ghastly cooked steak, Eliza was tied to a chair and China kicked the crap out of her, Skulduggery tied China up and _Eliza _kicked the crap out of her, and Valkyrie "accidentally" set fire to Fletcher's girlfriend's hair. _Gooood _times.

And the times got even better when Finbar walked in, carrying a _very _large barrel. Yes, a _barrel_.

"Hello!" he grinned. "Beer, anyone?"

Valkyrie looked at Tanith. "Should I?"

"Nope, but that's all the more reason for you to do it. Just have a sip."

Now, she was _planning _to just sip. But this was a really large barrel, like I said earlier.

And apparently, Tanith thought it was a good idea to dunk Valkyrie right inside it. Which, in hindsight, probably wasn't such a good idea.

After she was dunked in, the whole room went quiet (except for the random drunk guy singing in the background.) And then Valkyrie exploded out of the barrel, screaming, "I LIKE BEER!", and everyone started whooping and cheering.

Just when things couldn't get more ridiculous, Finbar's friends walked in the door with ten more barrels. And everyone started drinking straight out of the barrel (except for Skulduggery, you know, because he doesn't drink. He _can't _drink.)

So while Skulduggery and I were sitting in the corner doing nothing, Valkyrie and the others were in the process of setting up a beer dunk tank. They then shoved her into it and just kept dunking her in, over and over again, and she just kept drinking and drinking until she was so drunk she could barely walk.

"Hello," she grinned lazily as she stumbled over to where I was. "Beer?"

"Um, no."

"It's really good beer," she smiled happily. "Am I pretty?"

I smiled gently. "No, dear, you're hideous. You're the modern Medusa. You're the land version of the Sea Hag. You're the Desolation Engine."

"Yay," she giggled. "I am pretty! Pretty people can sing!"

And then she climbed on top of the dunk tank and started singing _S&M_ really, really loudly.

"Come on, Skully boy! Sing with me!"

Skulduggery backed away. "Um, no thanks, but-"

"COME ON!" she yelled, pulling him up with her. He stood there, awkwardly, as she rapped _Stupid Hoe _in his face.

I moved from the living room into the kitchen, where Ghastly had been cooking steak before he was drunk. _Before he was drunk_. Now, he was spraying sauce all over the room, Tanith throwing cups and glasses everywhere. (So you see, darling, that's how I got those cuts all over my feet.)

"Um, you may want to stop that," I tried to say, but Tanith grabbed three eggs in the fridge and cracked them on my head. "WHEE!" she laughed, as I stood there trying not to kill her. I was working on my temper, after all.

I settled for kicking the fridge over before I retreated to the bathroom.

Now, normally, what happens when you open a bathroom door? You see a sink. A toilet. If you're unlucky (or lucky, whichever way), you might see a person _on _the toilet.

But today, when I opened the door, the first thing I saw was a wave of water wash over me and knock me down. By the time I looked up, water was covering the entire floor. I laughed a bit and ran into the bedroom...

Which was a huge mistake. Because there is no way in hell I wanted to see Eliza and China doing...well, _that_.

It was absolutely the last straw.

I ran back into the living room, where Valkyrie was singing her heart out with Shudder, bless 'em.

"GET THE HELL OFF THE DUNK TANK AND SHUT UP!" I screamed, but nobody heard me over the noise. So I did what any sane person would do, which was slice the stereo player in half and hold a knife to Valkyrie's throat. She just giggled. "That tickles!"

Skulduggery looked at me. "You're not going to kill her, are you?"

"Tempting, but no. I just need to shut these people up." And believe me, by that time they had shut up.

"All right," Skulduggery said quietly. "I would like you to all go out of the house now. Single file. The party's over."

Everyone grumbled, but complied. The water made a swishing noise as people waded through it to get to the front door. Oh, and guess who was waiting at the front door? Melissa Edgley.

"Valkyrie," she said in a warning voice. "It's time to go home."

"You called her mom?" I asked Skulduggery, who nodded.

Valkyrie giggled and hiccuped. Tanith giggled and hiccuped. Melissa screamed at her for about five minutes. The other guests left. Nobody noticed that I was holding a knife to her throat anymore, so I let her go.

Big mistake.

"I'M FREE!" she yelled, ripped off her clothes (yes all of them) and started streaking down the road. Skulduggery put his hands over his eye sockets and ran after her.

Oh by the way, a little tip to all of you—don't run down the road with your eyesight blocked. You might just hit a lamppost. Which is what happened.

And you shouldn't hit a lamppost for two reasons. The first is that it hurts like hell. The second is that the drunk person who you're chasing after might just start pole dancing on it. Which is what happened.

"Stephanie!" Melissa cried, not realising that there was a skeleton running around. A rather important detail to miss, if I do say so myself.

Anyway, Skulduggery was trying to lift her down with as little body contact as possible, whereas I stood far behind. Which turned out to be wise. Melissa took an hour to wash Valkyrie's vomit out of her hair that evening.

Eventually, she got down, and Melissa gave her a blanket and brought her back home.

So why did she stumble back to Skulduggery's house? She mistook it for a giant beer can. It's all good, though, it was an educational experience. I have never seen somebody try to drink a door before.

**Hello, and next up we have an OC! Fun stuff. It's going to take a while, as usual.**

******(Maybe my character is Liberty Wit...who knows? XD And if you're wondering who she is...well, I'm not going to self-promote here.)**


	9. We Can Decorate Random Houses (OC)

**This story started off sane. And little by little, as I started listening to sped up Nyan Cat, it got more and more insane, until finally it became so ridiculous that we have Mevolent showing up with glitter all over him.**

**This is for That-boy-who-writes, and his wonderful OC, Ollie Clovermoon. (His initials actually spell OC. I don't know if that was intentional, but it's super cool.)**

* * *

_We Can Decorate Random Houses_**  
**

In which World War 3 starts

* * *

Ollie Clovermoon was really not happy.

Christmas usually means that you get to take time off and relax, but NO. Not today. _Today_ he was teleporting all over the place, trying to decorate the Sanctuary, simply because Fletcher Renn was a jerk.

It had all started that morning...

* * *

Ollie was walking into the Sanctuary, slightly upset. He didn't want anybody to know that he was a teleporter, simply because he wanted to have a more or less normal life. That wasn't going to happen now, though. Wreath had caught him teleporting, and now was telling him to abandon necromancy.

"You'd be a celebrity," he had said. "The world needs more teleporters."

Ollie frowned. "I want to be a _necromancer_, Solomon. Let me be a necromancer."

"Look, you're not exactly the most natural necromancer."

"What?!"

"I'm just saying that teleportation is probably more for you, you know..."

"Solomon. Let. Me. Teleport."

Wreath had promised that he wouldn't push the matter. But of course, to Wreath, calling the Sanctuary to tell them that he'd found another teleporter was _not _pushing the matter. No, not at _all_.

When Ghastly had called Ollie, he had very calmly explained that no, he didn't want to be famous, and yes, he'd rather be a Necromancer. Ghastly had been happy about that, but Mist didn't really care and thought Ollie should be summoned to the Sanctuary so they could change his mind.

So that's why he was walking into the Sanctuary.

And not teleporting.

Anyway, when he got there, he saw Fletcher Renn storming towards him, looking angry as _hell_.

"I," he started, jamming a finger into Ollie's chest, "I am going to be the only Teleporter around her, do you understand?"

"Um, I don't _want _to be a teleporter. And what's with your hair?"

"My hair is fine! And you're lying just to get me to shut up, is that it?"

"I do want you to shut up, but I'm not lying!"

"Oh you want me to shut up huh?"

"Yes I do. MOVE."

Fletcher's face turned purple. "You don't tell me what to do!"

"Look, I-"

"I bet that I'm a better teleporter than you!"

Ollie's temper flared. "Oh, you think?"

"I know it!"

Ravel looked at them both, grinning. He turned to Mist, who was by his side, and said, "You know how we were supposed to put up the Christmas decorations?"

"Yeah?"

"Well I have an idea of how to get out of it."

Mist's eyes sparkled beneath her veil. "Wonderful."

"I have an idea," Ravel said in a louder voice so that Ollie and Fletcher could hear him. "I want to see which one of you can decorate the most rooms here in a time limit. The winner gets to call himself the best teleporter."

Ollie sighed. "I don't have time for this, and I don't care if he thinks he's better than me."

Fletcher turned to him. "You're a chicken."

"I'm _not_."

"You think you'll lose, so you don't want to try."

"Look-"

Fletcher circled him, making chicken noises. Ollie tried to walk away, but Fletcher kept following him.

"All right!" Ollie snapped at him. "Fine! I'll do it! Now shut up!"

Fletcher grinned and Ollie balled his hands into fists.

"Decorations are in the back room," Ravel grinned evily. "Each room needs to have a banner and a fully decorated Christmas tree. You can go in three, two... nah, just go now."

Fletcher disappeared and Ollie looked at Ravel. "Where's the back room?"

"Oh, sorry. It's over there."

Ollie sighed and ran.

* * *

Ollie had only decorated one room when he realised something was wrong.

The first something being that he could hear voices.

The second something being that Fletcher would call "I'VE FINISHED ANOTHER ROOM!" every five minutes.

The third something being that when he teleported outside to get a drink of water, he realised that Fletcher was lounging on the sofa doing nothing.

"What are you doing?!" he yelled. "And how could you have gotten so many rooms done?"

Then Skulduggery, Valkyrie, China, and a black-lipped Tanith emerged from one of the rooms, arms full of Christmas decorations.

Ollie stared at Fletcher. "You're cheating?"

"_Obviously._"

Ollie looked at the guilty (well, except for China) helpers. "Seriously?"

Tanith smiled. "Of course."

Ollie groaned. And then he had an idea.

"Well, then, I'm going to get my OWN group of people!" He teleported off, and five minutes later he came back with Wreath, Clarabelle, Dexter Vex, Shudder (who Ollie had somehow dragged out of his hotel) and Scapegrace.

"It's on!" Valkyrie cried, and ran back into the room she was currently decorating.

Scapegrace, Clarabelle, and Vex let out battle cries and ran towards their room, everyone else following warily behind.

Ravel and Mist looked on, grinning.

"Fletcher is so going to win," Ravel laughed.

"Well, I don't know," Mist sighed. "Ollie is really good at decorating. I've seen his room."

"Oh, so you think Ollie's going to win, don't you?"

"Well, _I don't know_."

"Fletcher wil win!"

"No way!"

"Well, if you're so skeptical, I'm going to go help him!" Ravel grabbed some decorations and ran after Fletcher's group.

"Oh yeah? You think you can decorate better than _me?_" Mist yelled after him, then ran towards Ollie's group with a handful of tinsel.

Just then, Silas Nadir appeared, along with Serpine, Mevolent, and Baron Vengeous.

"I have come to pay you all back for what you did to me!" he cried, and then noticed that he was being ignored.

"What's going on?" he asked Tipstaff, who told him about the competition.

"Well of course Fletcher will win," he snorted. "He cheated first."

Baron V raised an eyebrow. "Yes, but I'm sure that penalties will be given out to his group because of that fact. Who's keeping score?"

"Mist and Ravel were, but now I am."

"Marvelous," Silas grinned. "I'm going to be on Fletcher's team."

"This is a waste of time," Mevolent groaned.

"Well, you want me to take you back to where you came from so you can't take over this dimension as well?"

"No, but..."

"So you'd better help me win!" Silas yelled, grabbing Mevolent and dragging him towards Fletcher's group.

"I'm not going to follow orders from that creep!" Serpine snorted. "Let's go kick their pretty asses in Ollie's group!"

Baron V sighed. "All right, I agree with you. Let's go."

* * *

Half an hour later, they had all run out of rooms in the Sanctuary.

"Who won?" everyone asked Tipstaff, who turned white.

"Um... I lost count."

"YOU LOST COUNT?!" everyone screamed.

"Well, I mean, I took off a three-room penalty for Fletcher because he cheated first. And then I counted up to 69, but everyone started laughing at the number and I lost count after that."

"WELL THEN!" Fletcher cried. "WE CAN DECORATE RANDOM HOUSES!"

"OKAY FINE!" Ollie shouted. "LET'S GO, PEOPLE!"

Everyone immediately rushed out the door, glitter covering their faces and hands. (I want you to imagine Mevolent with glitter everywhere. Just try it.)

* * *

Finally, there was just one house left on the street.

Everyone had decorated twenty houses. This was the tiebreaker.

"This is my house!" Ravel yelled.

"It's not your house, it's somebody else's house," Mist noted.

"GIVE ME THE STUPID HOUSE!" yelled Serpine. "Or I'll kill your wives and children!"

"Not going to work on me, Nefarian the fairy," Skulduggery said.

Serpine pointed at him and he screamed. China crashed into Serpine, trying to throw him off balance, and then the Baron grabbed her and smashed her into the house's window, which shattered. Silas shunted off and came back with Tesseract, who started attacking Vex. Shudder let his gist out, and Clarabelle started singing her ABCs, and then the entire street was in chaos as everyone started attacking each other.

Fletcher and Ollie stepped out of the hullaballoo. "This is ridiculous," Ollie noted.

"True."

"Wanna break them up?"

"Can't be bothered. Don't want to ruin my hair."

"Meh. Same. Besides the hair."

They walked off, leaving everyone to go kill each other.

And that was how World War 3 started.

**I hoped you liked that. Mevolent and his gang are really fun to write. Maybe one day I'll do a story about them. Anyways, next up we have Tanguine, so look out!**

**P.S I'm having a writing competition on my forum, Skulduggery Pleasant Writing Contest (I bet you couldn't tell what it was from the title!) You have to sign up by Boxing Day, so... please enter!**


	10. What Needs To Be Said (Tanguine)

**Hello! A short, non-funny one for ShegoRulz, who requested Tanguine. (If you didn't like this one, another Tanguine has been requested for later on, so I'll be able to make it up to you.)**

* * *

_What Needs To Be Said_

In which Sanguine writes a letter

* * *

He'd cry and beg her not to leave him, but that'd look a bit funny, wouldn't it?

Sanguine's sitting on the floor, a piece of paper in one hand and a pen in the other. Tanith's gone. She's not his anymore. They took her back, and now she doesn't love him. They say she's _cured. _He doesn't think so.

The paper sits there. He was planning to write her a letter, saying some form of goodbye, telling her how much she means to him. It's not happening. He can't bring himself to tell her what he really feels because_ damn _it_, _he's too scared.

_Why is everything so complicated? You dream and imagine every last detail of what you're going to do and say, and then at the last minute you realise that you're too afraid to do any of those wanna scream, pour your heart out, sing like you're a character in some kind of demented musical. But you're scared. _

He sits there and looks at the paper.

* * *

Tanith is smiling blankly as everyone tells her how much they've missed her. She lies and says that she has no recollection of what's happened, because she's afraid that she'll say Sanguine's name too wistfully if she tells her story.

She's ashamed to admit that she misses him, even to herself, but she knows she does. She wants to tell him, but she can't. She just needs to make herself love Ghastly, and then everyone will be happy, and she can forget about Sanguine.

Another part of her, though, wants to know if he loves her. Loves her like she has grown to love him. The love was unexpected, but it's more than welcome. It has become a comforting feeling.

* * *

He has given up on the paper. He knows that she doesn't love him, so why bother?

He drinks some beer out of the bottle and lies down. Images of her swirl around in his head—her beautiful blue eyes, her long, blond hair, her prowess with a sword... she's everything. She's been with him for so long that her presence has become his most prized possession. And now he doesn't have it anymore.

Suddenly it clicks. He knows exactly what he's going to say, exactly how to tell her how he feels. He smiles, grabs the pen, and begins to write.

* * *

Tanith sighs with relief. Finally, her guests are gone. She got Valkyrie out the door, and Skulduggery, and Ghastly. She curls up in her chair.

"He's probably forgotten about you," she says aloud. And then there's a swishing sound as an envelope makes its way under her door. Curious, she picks it up and begins to read, and her smile gets wider and wider until she leaps up from the chair and twirls around in circles.

* * *

He's walking away from her house, a smile on his face.

It doesn't matter if she loves him or not. He loves her.

What needs to be said has been said.

**And next we have...drum roll please... VALDUGGERY! (The classic. I was actually wondering how long it would be before one of you requested Valdug.) BTW, I'm running out of ideas, so please don't hate me. ShegoRulz, tell me how you liked the chapter!**


	11. What's Valduggery? (Valduggery)

**Sorry that took a while, I'm so busy! This is dedicated to Maia, who requested... dun dun dun... Valduggery! Merry Christmas everyone! BTW, did you know that the story part of this chapter is exactly 999 words?**

* * *

_What's This Thing Called Valduggery?_

In which Skulduggery Pleasant steals a necklace

* * *

Skulduggery paused when he saw it sitting on his table. "Valkyrie. What the hell is this?"

Valkyrie looked at him. "What do you mean, _what the hell is this_? It's a computer, everyone knows what that is."

"Yes, all right, but why is it sitting there?"

"It's your Christmas present!"

"Why would you get me a computer for Christmas?"

Valkyrie rolled her eyes. "Because you don't have one."

"Yeah, but I don't need one."

"Yes, you do. Everyone needs one."

"That's ridiculous."

"It is, but you still need one."

Skulduggery sighed.

"Have you gotten me a present yet?" Valkyrie asked.

"Um."

"Oh, no. Not again."

"Look, I didn't know what to get you! You're eighteen! Eighteen-year-olds are hard to buy presents for!"

"Oh, really."

"Yeah, really."

Valkyrie groaned. "You know what? I'm leaving. When you have a present for me, then we can talk."

And with that, she promptly left his house, leaving him looking at his computer.

* * *

He was quite pleased with himself—he had managed to learn how to surf the internet on a computer instead of his phone.

"What should I google now?" he wondered out loud. Of course, if you have a planet-sized ego, there's only one answer to that question. Google yourself.

Skulduggery typed in his name, and he noticed the word 'fanfiction' next to it.

He tilted his head. "Fanfiction? What's fanfiction? And what's this thing called Valduggery?"

Shrugging, he clicked on it, and found himself reading Valduggery. He read a chapter, and then stopped. Paused.

"What's wrong with people?" he muttered under his breath. "I couldn't fall in love with her if I tried."

He kept reading, though, just for fun. And after a little while, he found himself enjoying the story. The writer was right—Valkyrie was _very _gorgeous, and what if they actually made a good couple?

Skulduggery quickly shut the computer down. "I don't love Valkyrie! And we'd make a terrible couple!"

But he couldn't help thinking about the story. It made a relationship between him and Valkyrie seem so easy. So _possible_. He'd never considered that she'd have any feelings for him, but now... why not? _Plenty of reasons why not._ Skulduggery decided to clear his mind by taking a walk.

He walked past a few shops, still thinking about Valkyrie. His phone buzzed, and he quickly answered. "Hello?"

"It's Valkyrie."

Skulduggery suddenly felt lighter. Her voice was so beautiful, so melodious... wait. No. NO.

Valkyrie sounded irritated. "Are you going to answer or not?"

"Oh. Yeah, sorry. Um, what do you want?"

"I wanted to know, have you bought me a present yet?"

"No, but..."

"Well, I was going to ask you if you wanted to eat dinner, but since you haven't bought me anything..."

"Dinner? Yeah, I'm all right with dinner, but um... are you sure?"

"Skulduggery, what the hell is wrong with you right now? Did you hear anything I said after the word 'dinner'?"

"Oh. Sorry. No."

"I'm not going to eat dinner with you because you _have. Not. Bought. Me. A. Christmas. Present._" She promptly hung up.

Skulduggery straightened up and put his phone away. He was not going to get all worried over this. He had control over his mind, and he was going to _stop _thinking about Valkyrie and do something else.

Five minutes later he was peering intently at his phone, reading more Valduggery fanfiction and laughing at live chickens running on burnt carpets. **(This is a reference to a fanfic. If you can guess which story and which chapter correctly, I will love you forever.)**

He was so busy reading and daydreaming that walked straight into a pole.

"What happened?" he asked, looking around, and that's when he saw it.

It sparkled like the sun on the water, it was as blue as the sea, and it was almost as beautiful as Valkyrie. It was a sapphire necklace, and it was PERFECT.

He walked in the store and asked somebody how much it was. The answer made him almost drop his phone.

"The sparrow flies south for winter," he said to nobody in particular, and then he hit the person and grabbed the necklace. He dialed Valkyrie's number as he flew away as fast as he could.

"Val? I have a present for you. Do you want to have dinner?"

"Sure. Let's have Chinese."

Skulduggery hung up and grinned. Valkyrie had wanted to go to the Chinese restaurant in town since the first time she'd seen it.

He arrived at the restaurant and sat down, playing with the necklace and hiding it whenever somebody walked by. Finally, Valkyrie arrived.

She was absolutely gorgeous, even though she was just wearing the same coat as always with black jeans. She smiled when she saw him and he felt butterflies in his non-existent stomach.

She plopped down in her seat. "What did you get me?"

He took a deep breath and showed her the necklace.

"You didn't wrap it."

He stared at her, trying to see some kind of sign that she was joking, and then she laughed and hugged him.

"It's gorgeous! It's perfect! I can't believe you would get that! I just...thank you!"

He smiled and hugged her back. "It's all right. I love you."

She pulled back. "Wait, what?"

"Um. I love you. So, what's on the menu?"

She grabbed his skull and turned it back towards her, and then she tapped his facade and kissed him.

He moaned into her mouth, and she broke off the kiss and grinned at him.

"Why didn't you tell me earlier?" she said. "I've been waiting for a year now!"

He laughed and pulled out his phone. "Check out this thing," he said. "It's called Valduggery, I think you'll like it."

**A little fluffy, and maybe it moved too fast, but MEH. Merry Christmas everyone!**

**Next up: MORE VALDUGGERY! **


	12. What's Valduggery? Part 2 (Valduggery)

**Hello! This is part 2 of _What's This Thing Called Valduggery? _(shortened to _What's Valduggery?_). It's dedicated to TiinyPiixiie (who does mostly Twilight stuff), who requested an emotional, funny Valdug with some pranks. That's (hopefully) just what you got, Piixie.**

* * *

_What's This Thing Called Valduggery?_**  
**

In which Skulduggery's house gets a makeover and Valkyrie gets scared

* * *

Valkyrie had just reached the end of a _very _long day. Some guy decided that it would be a great idea to kill his girlfriend by slowly dissecting her and then hanging her various organs off a clothesline. And then Skulduggery had made _her _take the pieces off the clothesline.

She sighed, threw her arms back, and launched herself onto the place where her bed should have been. Yep, _should have been_. Because somebody had replaced it with a blow-up swimming pool that was full of water.

Sopping wet, Valkyrie thrashed her way out of the pool and glared at Skulduggery, who had been hiding in the corner.

"December fool!" he laughed.

"That doesn't make any sense!"

"I'm a living skeleton. My very existence does not make sense."

"Yes, all right, but seriously. What did you do with my bed anyway?"

"I'm keeping it hostage."

"Um... why?"

"I'm keeping it hostage until you make up your mind about whether you're going to move in with me or not."

"Look, I can't decide! I don't want to leave my family, but... I really want to live with you."

"That's fine, but you're not going to get your bed back until you make a decision."

"You're so immature."

"I'm four hundred. You're supposed to call it insanity."

Valkyrie rolled her eyes. "You're going to help me move this pool thing away so my parents won't have a fit, right?"

"No." Skulduggery flew out the window, and she screamed at him from her room. At that very moment, Melissa Edgley decided to walk in the door.

"Stephanie," she sighed. "Why are you screaming something about a skeleton out the _window? _Don't tell me you're turning into your father." Her eyes traveled down and she frowned. "Stephanie Edgley, why is there an inflatable pool in your room? And where's your bed?"

Valkyrie moved her hands around and said in a silly voice, "It's aaallll an illluuuuusssioon..."

"I'm being serious."

Alice trotted into the room (don't forget, she's three now.) "Pool!" she cried, and launched herself into it.

Valkyrie sighed.

* * *

She had to deal with an hour of her mother yelling at her, and then her dad came home, and then her mother yelled at her dad for not yelling at Valkyrie, and then she yelled at both of them, and then Alice started crying and crapping her pants, and Melissa had no choice but to take her away and leave Valkyrie and Desmond alone.

Payback time.

* * *

Skulduggery walked into his house and immediately dropped everything he was holding.

The walls were pink. The couch had been replaced by a fluffy and glittery loveseat. Posters of Justin Bieber covered the walls. Worse of all, where his cupboard used to be, there was now... a cow. An actual live cow.

Skulduggery whipped around when he heard laughter. "VALKYRIE!"

She giggled. "Yes?"

"What did you do? And why is there a cow here?"

"When I ordered the loveseat, I said I was doing it because my boyfriend was being a cow. Apparently the guy on the other end thought I _wanted _a cow as well as the loveseat."

A thought struck Skulduggery and he froze. "Wait...my hats! They were in the cupboard!"

"I fed them to the cow."

Skulduggery's mouth fell open.

"Don't worry," Valkyrie grinned. "I replaced them with tiaras." She pulled out a fake tiara from her bag.

Skulduggery stopped breathing for about three seconds. And then he started chasing Valkyrie around the room.

"Those were my best hats!" he yelled as Valkyrie knocked a lamp off his new flowery dresser.

She laughed, and ran out the door.

Valkyrie spent the next day with her family. They were having a good time, and then she took Alice for a walk. When they came back, Melissa and Desmond were missing.

Valkyrie's heart began to beat faster, and she left Alice at the door and started looking for them.

"Mom?" she called. "Dad?" And then she saw a note on the table.

_I have your parents. If you want them to stay alive, you have to find them. They will be killed in half an hour. _The page was stained with blood.

Valkyrie froze, then bolted out the door. She didn't know where they were, but she was going to find them.

She looked all around the area but couldn't find them. Then a note landed in front of her. She looked up, but didn't see anything, so she turned her attention back to the paper.

_Look behind you_.

She looked behind her and gasped. Tied to a faraway tree, there were two bodies, one male and one female. They were bloody and obviously dead.

She couldn't help it. She broke down and started to cry. She should've been a better daughter. She should've spent more time with them—

"Why are you crying?" asked her mother. Valkyrie lifted her tear-stained face and made an incomprehensible noise. Her dad came out to join them, as well as a blond man she'd never seen before. Wait.

"I was just showing your family some cheaper properties," said the blond man, Skulduggery Pleasant.

"YOU DID THIS?" she screamed. "IS THIS YOUR IDEA OF A JOKE? OF A GOOD PRANK?"

She lunged at him, but her parents held her back.

"He was a very annoying salesman," her mother whispered to her. "But you don't have to hit him."

"Yeah," her dad said. "That's my job."

Valkyrie didn't look at Skulduggery as she was lead away.

* * *

He went to visit her later. "How are you?"

She didn't answer.

"Look, it was a prank!"

She stayed silent.

"Can't you take a joke?"

"You really upset me! I was so scared! Why would you do something like that? Are you trying to hurt me? Because good job, Skulduggery, you succeeded. I am _not _moving in with you, by the way."

Skulduggery stared a her. "It was meant to be funny-"

"It wasn't. Go away." And after that, no matter what he said, she stayed silent.

* * *

He was by himself, half sulking, half feeling guilty.

He hadn't meant to hurt her that much. And now she was angry, and upset, and not going to move in with him. He hoped with all his heart that their little relationship wasn't over. He loved her too much.

He knew that she was being unreasonable, but for some reason he felt like he needed to go apologize. The stupid part of his brain imagined them splitting up, and he felt a fresh wave of sadness. They probably couldn't go back to being friends if they split up, so that made it worse. _I don't know what I'd do without her_.

And with that one thought, Skulduggery had an idea. An amazing idea. A very scary idea.

He went back to the jewelry store.

"I'm sorry about the necklace," he said as sadly as he could to a very pissed off lady. "I'm here to return it and pay for any damages caused."

"Really?"

"No." And he hit her again, but this time he grabbed a gold ring with a little diamond on top. An engagement ring.

* * *

"I want to apologize," he said. They were in her room, and she was lying on her new bed.

"Oh, _really_."

"Really. I shouldn't have gone that far."

"No you shouldn't have."

"I won't do it again."

"You'd better not."

"Do you want to know where I got the dead bodies from?"

She sighed. "What do you want, Skulduggery?"

"I want to marry you."

Her eyes opened wide. And then they narrowed. "Ha ha, very funny."

"No, seriously." He got down on one knee and pulled out the ring.

Valkyrie tried to look pissed off but failed.

"Valkyrie Cain, Stephanie Edgley. I love you more than anything in the world. We've been partners for seven years now, and I want to be your partner for the rest of our lives. Will you marry me?"

Valkyrie managed to hold the nonchalant face for one second, and then she made a sort of squeak noise and hugged him.

"Yes!" she squeaked. And then she started jumping around the room and singing.

Desmond Edgley opened her door and Skulduggery hid under the bed. "Don't sing! I can't hear myself think! What are you doing, anyway? And why are you wearing a ring?"

Valkyrie paused. "Uh..."

Skulduggery jumped out from under the bed and screamed "BOO!" Desmond ran away, leaving Valkyrie to grin at him in disbelief.

"You're going to be an awful husband," she joked.

**Later, we're going to have a part 3, where they have a really awesome/ridiculous wedding. But that's after a couple more chapters.**

**The next chapter has an OC. You have been warned. **

**Oh, and don't forget to review!**


	13. I Had Oatmeal On My Ceiling (OC)

**Sorry, that took a bit of a while. I'm going to be away for a week, so... yeah! This is dedicated to DuskTillDawn95, who is very awesome, and her OC, Aura Slade. Enjoy!**

* * *

I Had Oatmeal on my Ceiling for a Month_  
_

_In which Valkyrie eats poisoned cookies and whines_

* * *

"Aura?"

Aura Slade paused. She recognized the voice, but she pretended that she didn't. She didn't want to appear too eager. "Hello? Who is this?"

"Skulduggery Pleasant. I need your help."

Joy burst in her heart and made her entire body tingle. "What for?"

"We need you to track down Dusk. He's been loose for a while now, and we've seen a few cases where we fear he may be.. active."

She smirked. She _knew _he was active. She had just seen him a week ago (they had a bit of an on-off relationship) and he had showed her his latest... _servants, _he liked to call them. Members of the Infected that he killed before they became too powerful. She had smiled graciously and said the appropriate flattering things, and then he had taken her out for dinner.

And then they had fought, and she had tried to kill him, and he had tried to kill her, and she threw him off a roof, and he got a hold of her sword, and the night ended when she collapsed to the ground bleeding from severe wounds.

Best night ever.

"Yeah, sure!" she grinned. "We're going to have fun."

There was a pause on the end of the line. "Dusk is a dangerous criminal."

"I'm a dangerous opponent."

"Yes. Still, you must take precautions."

"I'll bring my sword. What time do you want me to meet you?"

"Is seven good for you?"

"Yeah, it is."

Skulduggery hung up and she grabbed her sword and thought.

Finally, Skulduggery arrived at her house along with Valkyrie, and they set off in the Bentley.

"Where are we going?" Valkyrie asked from the front seat.

"We found Dusk's lair—it's a church."

"A _church_?"

Aura stopped herself from saying, "And what a pretty church it was too."

Finally, they stopped driving got out. And saw a little folded note on the church door that read _Aura_.

Aura quickly grabbed the note before they could see it. Unfolding it, she saw that the note said, _Sorry, I left a while ago. If you're looking for me, I'm on the other side of town, in the house next to yours. Your neighbors make good slaves._

She smiled, and then frowned. Now they'd have to drive all the way back to her house.

"Um, guys," she said to Skulduggery and Valkyrie. "I just realised that...uh... Dusk is my neighbor now."

Valkyrie stared. "What?"

"Yeah, um, he...had to move because of the...you know, rent tax thing."

Skulduggery stared.

She sighed. "He wrote me a note." She waved the paper in the air and "accidentally" let go of it. The night breeze snatched it up and carried it away.

"If you're lying," Skulduggery warned her, "We will lose our patience with you very quickly."

She swallowed. "All right."

They got back in the car and drove, and finally they reached Aura's neighbor's house.

On the door was another note.

Aura groaned. "What now?" she said out loud, and tore open the note.

_Aura, your neighbor's son came home and started trying to kill me, so I moved._

She showed the note to Skulduggery this time, and he sighed. "Did he say where he was going to go next?"

She turned the note over. _I moved back into the church, by the way._

They both groaned and got back in the car. "Wait," Aura said, "Where's Valkyrie?"

Valkyrie emerged five seconds later from her neighbor's house, eating a cookie. "He made you cookies, Aura!"

And then she collapsed, holding her stomach and groaning. "What was... in those?"

Aura smiled gently. "Poison. I sent him some poisoned muffins last month, so this is his little revenge plan."

Valkyrie moaned. "Can I go to the hospital?"

Aura's patience finally snapped, even though Skulduggery was right there. "No. Get in. Shut up. And please, stop singing along to the radio while Skulduggery drives. It's really annoying."

Valkyrie looked at her, so she just got back in the car and slammed the door.

Ten minutes later, Valkyrie was still whinging outside her neighbor's house, so they decided to take her to the Sanctuary to see Nye.

"Should we go on without her?" Aura asked Skulduggery as they waited outside Nye's room. Skulduggery glared at her, and she shut up.

An hour passed. Two hours passed. Three.

Finally, Valkyrie was able to leave, and they went barreling along the road towards the church. Valkyrie stopped singing along to the radio, and Aura grinned.

They got back to the church and walked inside. It was just as beautiful as Aura had remembered, except that the blood on the floor had been cleaned up.

And there was a little note on one of the pews that read _I moved again. _

Aura grabbed the paper and tore it into two. "Damn you Dusk!" she yelled at the paper. "Can you stop leading us on this gigantic chase around town? Seriously?"

Valkyrie watched her yelling at the paper and said nothing. When Aura finally stopped ripping up the paper, she added, "Um, did he say where he went next?"

Aura thought for a second and looked at what had become a little pile of confetti. "It probably did, but I just ripped it up." Turning back to Skulduggery, she said, "I want to go home."

"But—"

"I am going home, Skulduggery Pleasant. You go catch him by yourself. Oh, and don't forget to _take precautions._"

She left and walked home by herself. That didn't turn out to be too smart, because it was a really long way back to her house.

"I'm sick of this!" she cried, and kicked a stone on the ground.

"Sick of what?"said Dusk.

She quickly looked up. "Dusk! What are you doing again?"

"Moving."

A hand on her hip, she said, "Well, you really would've been useful, what, _ten minutes ago?_"

"Why?"

"I was supposed to catch you tonight."

"Ah."

"And I couldn't find you!"

"See, I can outsmart you without even trying."

She huffed. "No you can't."

"I just did," he sighed.

"Well what about that time I lured you to the river just by waving a vial in front of your face and going _ha ha, you can't catch this!_"

He scowled. "That was... different. And besides, I heard you went to the hospital. You ate the cookies, I presume?"

"No, that was Valkyrie."

Grinning, he said, "Even better."

She laughed. "And you fell for it the first time."

"Yeah, well you believed me when I said I was unarmed two months ago. I mean, come on, the gun was sticking out of my pocket."

"What about the time when I wrote you a love letter as Madame Mist and you ran over to her proclaiming your undying commitment?"

"That was when I first met you! I was younger then!"

"Save it for the judge."

"Oh yeah, and what about the time I posed as the judge for your court case a year ago? You didn't even recognize me!"

"I did when you killed my lawyer."

"He was annoying!"

"Yeah, well you were annoying when I pranked you."

"How was I supposed to know that you'd put oatmeal in my fan? I had oatmeal on my ceiling for a month! And besides, later I switched out your entire wardrobe to princess costumes!"

Skulduggery and Valkyrie watched the fight with interest.

"Should we help them?" Valkyrie asked.

"No." And Skulduggery pulled out his camera.

**Hoped you liked that. See you in a week, review, give me requests, and I'll see you next week with some Valskine!**


	14. Some good news

Good news guys!

So I have a little bit more free time, and I'm getting back into writing, so... I'M GOING TO BE POSTING YOUR REQUESTS AGAIN!

YAY!

Right now I'm working on the Ravel/Valkyrie (you're hopefully going to love it), and it should be posted today or tomorrow. So bye!


	15. Is THIS My Date? (ValkyrieRavel)

**Yay! I'm back again! It feels good, let me tell you. This is Valkyrie/Ravel, for ****FallingFree10. Glad you liked your previous request :) And I am taking requests again.**

* * *

Is THIS My Date?

_In which Valkyrie kind of betrays her friend, which is stupid_

* * *

Tanith was back. Everyone was happy.

Oh, wait, no. Tanith and Ghastly had split up after Tanith realised that she liked somebody else after all. Guess who that was?

Ravel.

And as Tanith and Ravel greeted Valkyrie one morning, the two of them hand in hand, Valkyrie felt her insides twist. She hadn't told anybody about her crush on Ravel. She hadn't thought it was serious. _Everyone loves him, _she had thought at the time. _Why should _my _crush on him matter? Plus, he'd never go for me. He's too... perfect.__  
_

After that day, she had tried to get over him, really she had. But it was difficult.

First, she tried getting back with Fletcher. He cheated on her to pay her back for what she did to him.

Then she tried going after Hansard. Lost cause, full stop.

She had suggested to Ghastly that she hook up with _him_, to make Tanith jealous. She had never seen a face that horrified.

Basically, it was hard. And it was even worse when Tanith bounced up to her and said excitedly, "You're going on a double date with me!"

Valkyrie frowned. "Wait, what?!"

"I thought since you've gone through a lot of breakups lately, I should find you someone special! Anyway, Ravel found the perfect guy... his taken name is Derek Landy, and since you said you wanted somebody closer to your age, he's just right! He's only 38 years old!"

"Um..." Valkyrie started. She inwardly sighed that Ravel of all people had set her up. "I don't...I mean..."

Tanith grinned. "Aw, don't be so shy. We'll meet up at the Japanese restaurant at eight tomorrow, okay?"

Before Valkyrie could even think of a suitable reply, Tanith had bounced off.

The next day, she spent an hour in the shower trying to look her best. Whether she was dressing up for Ravel or the other dude-Lerek Dandy?-she couldn't be sure. Either that or she didn't want to know the answer.

As she tried out her fiftieth hairstyle of the evening, her mobile rang and she nearly fell over herself in an effort to grab it. Her heart pounded as she recognised the number. Ravel. She pressed Answer so quickly she thought she must have appeared manic to him.

"Hey, I know you're going to look beautiful tonight," Ravel said, a smile evident in his voice. "Can't wait to see you."

Valkyrie felt like she could fly. "I...uh..." _Play it cool, Val._ "Yeah! Um, haha, uh..."

"Wait, is this Valkyrie?"

Dread. "Uh."

"Oh, sorry, I thought I was calling Tanith."

Valkyrie felt her heart sink back into her chest. She dropped the phone, scrambled to pick it up, and then said loudly, "Yeah, uh-huh, I knew that. Bye! See you! I can't wait to meet Dereky Land!"

She hung up before anything else could happen, and then she sunk to the ground and sobbed, not caring that her dress was getting wet.

An hour later she got a call from Tanith. Jealousy bubbled up inside Valkyrie and she fought to push it down. Tanith was her best friend! She wasn't supposed to feel like that towards her.

"T-Tanith?"

"Oh god. What have you done this time?"

"What? Oh. Oh, it's 8:30. Yeah, I kinda just wanna have a night in today, alright?"

"You've been crying."

"Yes. I mean no. I mean..."

"Oh, Val, why?"

"Well... I just... I'm heartbroken."

"Heartbroken?"

"Yeah."

"Uh... okay. You know what? Forget the date. I'm going to pick you up and we'll have ice-cream in front of the telly."

That meant not seeing Ravel. "Well, I mean, maybe not… uh, I may be fine…" What was wrong with her?

"When did you get so bad at lying? Just tell me what-"

"I'll be fine!" Valkyrie said quickly into the phone before throwing it into a bag and getting some things ready for the date.

Phone? Well, obviously, she'd just put it in.

Book? She didn't read books. Whatever. She might get bored. She tossed it in.

Wallet? A part of her hoped her date or Ravel would pay, but she wanted to be safe, so she put that in too.

And then she turned to the window and nearly jumped out of her skin when she saw Ravel hovering outside, looking at her with those gorgeous eyes. Hardly believing what she saw, she opened the window

"Hello there," he smiled. "Tanith said you were feeling a little upset, so I thought I'd drop by and make sure you were okay."

Her heart fluttered. "Oh. Uh. Thanks. Do you… do you want to come in?"

"Well, are you ready to leave?"

She nodded, although she wasn't really keen to lose him to Tanith so quickly. "Yep. So, do you have a car, or something, or-"

"We're flying," Ravel said, and he walked forward and held onto her tightly before propelling himself into the night sky.

I could get used to this, she thought as they flew. The wind blew her hair back, and the speed sent chills and excitement through her entire body. But it wasn't just the flying that made her feel this way-she had done it with Skulduggery before and never felt like this. It was Ravel holding her, lips grazing the back of her head, her body pressing into him. She wished it would never end.

"I love this," she whispered, and she felt his lips twist into a smile behind her.

But of course it did, and they touched down in front of Tanith, who had been waiting outside.

"Hi darling," she said, hugging Ravel and kissing him. Valkyrie sighed and looked away.

Finally, Tanith let go of her boyfriend and turned to Valkyrie. "How are you feeling? Come on, let's go inside."

So she led Valkyrie inside, and the first thing that popped into her mind when she realised which table she was at was _Oh my god. Is this my date?_

"Nice to meet you," he smiled as he shook her hand. She sighed, hearing Tanith and Ravel chatting eagerly in the background.

Actually, the date wasn't so bad. He was super funny, and really witty, but the entire time Tanith was talking to Ravel. Ravel was great, though, making sure she was included in every conversation, smiling at her, squeezing her hand under the table. He even paid for everything like she'd hoped.

She loved him. She was sure of that now. He was such a gentle, kind, charming guy. He couldn't compare to anybody on Earth.

Oh yeah, some bad news-Dirk Candy looked like he had the hots for her. So now she was stuck. She would forever be doomed to smiling at this random guy, making Tanith happy, while all the while dreaming of Ravel and her soaring through the sky. She curled up on her bed and fell asleep, and when she woke tears were streaming down her face.

The next week went by quickly for her. Skulduggery was away, so she was free to watch television all day and spend some time with Alice. Ravel came every once in a while to check up on her, which she thought was nice. And Tanith kept texting her, insisting that they spend time together. The three of them. That was lovely, but since that would only make Valkyrie more upset, she decided to stay home.

Oh, and Dirty Candy kept leaving her little chocolates. She had no idea how he knew where she lived, and they freaked her out, so she just threw them in the trash.

One time, he showed up at her house and asked to take her out. She smiled politely and declined. But then he showed up day after day, with roses and rings and tickets. He'd stand beneath her window and sing her things that would make her laugh despite herself. Eventually, when he got tickets to see her favourite band live, she decided to go out with him.

He was charming, more so than last time, and he was very attentive. He bought her drinks and snacks, and he told her stories on the way home. She promised herself that she'd go out with him again.

And she did. She spent more and more time with him. They went to movies, they went to cafés, they even went to the zoo one time. But it really wasn't the same. She loved Ravel, and nothing could change that.

So one day, when Dandy tried to kiss her, she pushed him away. "I like you a lot," she started. "But you see, I kind of… I kind of love somebody else."

Dandy's face fell. "Who?"

Valkyrie paused. "Well, I don't know if I should be telling you…Will you not tell anybody?"

"Sure."

"I… I just… It's Ravel."

Dandy froze, and then he pressed a spot on his neck and his face melted away, revealing Ravel's face. Valkyrie was about to jump away when Ravel grabbed her and kissed her deeply.

"I was waiting for a day like this," he said when they pulled apart.

Valkyrie babbled her way through the word, "What?"

"I guess I should explain," Ravel laughed. "A tiny while ago, I realised that my feelings for Tanith were not what they used to be. I was distracted by something. Or rather someone. So I had to find out what it was so I could either resolve it or move on.

Then, I realised it might be you. You're gorgeous, you're beautiful, but you're young, so I was a little worried. I had to test it first, so after your date with Derek, I got this façade tattoo so I'd look like him. I could spend time with you more that way, you see-otherwise bumping into Tanith could get tricky. Anyway, it's you. It's you. I love you."

Valkyrie beamed and hugged him. "You were the chocolates? The singing?"

"Everything. And don't worry, I'll tell Tanith that it's over," Ravel whispered. "We'll keep this a secret for now, but we'll come out eventually, I promise. This is going to work out."

Valkyrie's joy mixed with guilt, but she held onto Ravel anyway.

**REVIEW!**


	16. We'll Build An Empire Together (Merpine)

**Hiya guys! So excited to be writing! And thank you for your lovely feedback! This one is for Bryn'ryo'ishtar, and it's a Merpine! (Mevolent/Serpine). It's short, and kinda angsty, but I think (hope) you'll enjoy it. It takes place right after the war with Mevvy.**

* * *

_We'll Build An Empire Together_

In which both a celebration and a mourning take place

* * *

Serpine was huddled over the ground all alone, the rain pouring down all around him. The wind snatched up sounds of the celebration going on kilometers away, carrying cheers and music and laughter. He could imagine mages dancing together, truly free for the first time in decades. Tomorrow formalities would be settled, and bills would be dealt with, but for now everyone was happy.

Except for Serpine.

He had been on a mission in London when he'd heard. Mevolent had been killed. News like that travels faster than a lot of things, especially because of the teleporters who had been there to witness the event. Serpine had frozen, paralyzed, unable to do his job. And when he got his thoughts together, he had attacked with all his ferocity, not only killing his enemy but his alliances. Dead bodies had littered the ground, and Serpine screamed with all his hatred that he would avenge him. Avenge Mevolent. The man who was everything to him.

Mevolent was all he had ever known. He'd grown up not in the arms of his parents, but in the arms of Mevolent's own father. The man who had brutally killed Serpine's parents in the first place. Yes, he grew up as Mevolent's brother, as his constant companion. They did everything together. They choked, they killed, they grew up.

And then something changed. They began to love each other in a different way, a way that prompted butterfly-fluttering heartbeats, hand-holding, and kisses when they thought nobody could see. It was hard, but they helped each other through it. People stared. Especially their parents.

"Don't change for these people." Serpine could still feel Mevolent's whispers in his ear. "They're not worth it."

Mevolent had been evil. He had been a cruel, terrible man from the beginning. That's what everyone had said. But Serpine couldn't believe it, looking at his partner sleeping soundly in his arms with a smile on his face. He _wouldn't_ believe it.

Memories flooded in. "_We'll build an empire together. Just for you and I."_ That had been said so many times. As little boys, playing pretend. As teenagers, plotting against teachers. As young men, holding hands as they watched the sunset. As two leaders, planning war.

But then, during the war, Serpine had seen him for his true colours. Mevolent didn't care, or love. He was evil. Serpine was evil himself, no doubt, but not in the way Mevolent was. He loved Mevolent with all his entirety. But Mevolent had shunned him away once he had the power to. He treated him like dirt. Ignored him. Laughed at Serpine's love for him. Sure, he promoted him again and again, but there was no affection.

They hadn't just grown apart. The Mevolent he thought he knew was just a figure of his imagination.

Serpine cried silent tears in the dark, listening to the rejoicing.

**Next up is a Serpine/Baron V, Mevolent/Skulduggery, and Duskyre all in one fic! It is going to be the most fun I've had in AGES!**


	17. You Wanted to See HSM3 Again Too? (Seron

**You guys are amazing. FIFTY REVIEWS. EXCUSE ME. (And that was a bit of a shock too, seeing as last time I checked I had only 40.) I don't know why you like my writing, I really don't. Lots of love to you, WWPs.**

**Anyways, moving on now, this is a story for goku, who requested Seron/Mevduggery/Duskyrie. Here you are. It's a little bit silly and ridiculous, but it's perfectly acceptable. Also, I had it ready yesterday but my wifi died.**

* * *

_You Wanted to See HSM 3 Again Too?_

In which there is a plastic table next to a popcorn stall for some random reason

* * *

"You know what?" Val said to Dusk when they were sitting down for dinner during one of their dates.

"No, I don't know what," he smiled. "Care to enlighten me?"

"The whole reason we started dating was because I was so grateful that you killed the guy Skulduggery set me up with."

Dusk laughed. "That's absolutely true. He was very annoying, wasn't he?"

"Oh, God, you have no idea. You didn't try getting intimate with him, that was worse-"

Dusk's eyes darkened, so she shut up. He kept glaring at her, so she snapped, "Well, you've already killed him, what else do you want?"

He rolled his eyes and took a sip of his wine. "I want to make everybody associated pay for that."

"Well then, make Skulduggery pay, not me."

He sighed, and then he suddenly looked up. His face broke out into a evil smile, the one she loved so much, and then he stood up. "Let's set HIM up."

Valkyrie shot up too. "Yes! That's great. Who with?"

"Eliza Scorn?'

"Skull's GAY."

Dusk hesitated. "I… I didn't know that. Alright, then…Scrutinous?

"Nah, that's not… BAD enough."

"How about Finbar?"

Valkyrie shuddered. "I don't even want to deal with him." She thought for a second, then shouted, "SERPINE!"

"Oh yeah, and we really want to deal with _him_."

"But they're enemies! It'd be perfect! He would just never, ever forgive me!"

Dusk sighed and took her hand. "If it makes you happy, it makes me happy."

"Aw, thanks!"

"But you're paying for dinner tonight."

She frowned.

* * *

"Skulduggery? Can I ask you a question?"

"Can't you wait until I've finished beating up this guy to ask me?"

Skulduggery kicked the guy in the crotch and he howled in pain.

"No, I can't. I mean, I could, but I don't feel like it."

"Ah." The Guy, as he was now known. tried to conjure up a gust of wind to knock Skulduggery off his feet, but Skulduggery wrenched his arms behind his back and set fire to them. The Guy screamed and ran away. "Okay, now you can ask me."

"Well, I thought I should set you up with somebody, so you have a date scheduled for 5 tomorrow. Movie theatre."

"In the afternoon?"

"No, in the morning, you silly goose. OF COURSE the afternoon."

"Well, who did you set me up with?"

"You shall see."

"Unless I don't show up."

"If you don't show up, I'll tell everybody about that incident with the plastic skeleton at the doctor's office."

Skulduggery would've blushed had he been wearing a face. "Shut up."

* * *

"Well?" Serpine said, tapping his fingers against the plastic table outside the popcorn stall.

"Well what?" Dusk sighed.

"What time is this imbecile going to show up?"

"When he feels like it."

"You mock me."

"Craven's already said that in the books, so shut up and wait like a good little boy."

Serpine scowled and leaned back into his chair. "Dusk, I don't trust you."

"I know, honey, I know."

Serpine shot up from the chair and got his right hand ready.

And then Skulduggery kicked down the door, gun in hand.

"I think," he said, "That I'm going to have a very good time. What have you done with my date?"

Valkyrie followed him, giggling. "He is your date!"

"Dusk?"

"No, Serpine."

Skulduggery dropped the gun on the floor in horror. Serpine dropped his hand to his side in horror. Valkyrie burst out laughing. Dusk smiled, which was quite creepy for Skulduggery, seeing as he didn't know Dusk had human emotions.

"I… I don't know about this…" Skulduggery spluttered.

"I didn't know about this…" Serpine muttered.

"I'm bored," Valkyrie said. "Come on, guys, give us a kiss?"

She earned two resounding NOs in response.

"Kiss! Kiss! Kissy kissy coo!"

Serpine lunged for her but Dusk kicked his legs out.

"You will do what my girlfriend says or I will personally rip out your heart," Dusk snarled.

Serpine pointed, Dusk bit him in the neck, Skulduggery grabbed Valkyrie, and then they all got into a massive fight until finally Clarabelle ran up and plunged a syringe into Serpine's arm.

"What was that for?" he growled as his face turned orange, then purple, then pink.

"Don't touch my friend!" Clarabelle sulked. "The popcorn stand does not deserve to be treated in this way. I have spoken."

Serpine started gagging and choking, and Valkyrie turned to look at Clarabelle. "What was in that thing?"

"I dunno. Let me check the label… Ah. Love potion!"

"God, they make those?!"

"Nye wanted to try. It's one of those things where you drink it and then you turn invisible."

"Huh?"

"Or maybe it's the one where you fall in love with the first person you see."

"Quickly!" Valkyrie screamed at Dusk. "Turn Serpine towards Skulduggery!"

But it was too late, because Baron Vengeous had already come up to Serpine to say hi.

"You wanted to see High School Musical 3 again too?" he grinned.

"I love you," whispered Serpine.

Vengeous looked taken aback. "Excuse me?"

"You complete me."

"What?"

Valkyrie, Dusk, and Skulduggery looked at Serpine with horror and disbelief.

Vengeous paused, and then he whispered, "I've been waiting for this day since I met you."

Valkyrie threw up all over the floor. Dusk passed her a tissue.

Serpine and Vengeous held hands, and together they skipped into the movie theatre.

"No!" Valkyrie yelled. "That was not supposed to happen!"

"Doesn't matter," Skulduggery shrugged. "I have a boyfriend, so it wouldn't have worked anyway."

Valkyrie's jaw dropped. "What? Who?"

"Mevolent. I mean, he's actually waiting for me inside, so if you'll excuse me….."

And then Skulduggery followed them.

Valkyrie stared.

Dusk blinked.

And then he turned to her and said, "These people are too crazy."

"Yep."

"I think you're the only person who keeps me sane."

"Yep."

"I think you're the only thing that gets me up in the morning. I think that you're the best thing that ever happened to me. I think that without you, I'd be even more dead than I am now. What I know for sure is that I love you. Will you marry me?"

And with that, he got down on one knee and brought out a little engagement ring.

Valkyrie teared up a little bit but tried not to show it. "Yes, I will."

And they hugged in the movie theatre, and then the people watching clapped, and then Dusk turned them all into vampires and they had a lovely day.

**Yeah, um... that was weird. Next up: Sanguine for Bubblegum Lord!**

**SANGUINE IS DEAD, BY THE WAY. Spoiler. TMS. My apologies.**


	18. Nothing Blu-Tack Can't Do (Sanguine)

**I apologize. I had this ready on Sunday (typed on a plane) but I couldn't get wifi and then I was busy and GACK. **

**Bubblegum Lord, this is for you. I don't think it's what you were expecting. Let me explain: This is a kind of AU (Alternate Universe) thing, where everyone from the SP series is in school together. Sanguine's a teenager. Also, I snuck in a couple of other people, like China, Bliss, and Shudder. Oh, and Mevvy makes a short appearance.**

_WARNING: Tiny drug references_

* * *

Nothing Blu-Tack Can't Do

_In which Shudder gets China shot_

* * *

Well, that was tedious.

I mean, I just wanted to have a good time and enjoy my first day of high school, ya know? Didn't wanna cause any trouble, oh no. But that was exactly what happened.

I knew something would be bad as soon as I saw the nerd in the bathroom. He was bald, too. UGLY fellow. UGLY. And I had to make a reputation for myself of course, so I decided to let him know that I was the boss of him. I tried to shove his head into the toilet.

And he just remained where he was, like he was a frickin' elephant or somethin. He was too goddarned HEAVY for me ta move. Strong fella, I guess. Luckily, he didn't come after me for the attempted attack, he just stood there and sighed heavily. Probably thinks he's better than me. So I called him a couple nasty names.

Woulda gotten away with it, too. But then later that day this lady came up to me and gave me HELL. Mighty fine lady she was too- long, gold hair, defined muscles, blue eyes… Whatever the case, she stormed up to me and shouted, "Do you think that you can treat my boyfriend like that?! Honestly?"

I tipped my hat to her. "Yes, ma'am, I do."

"Well you're wrong then. You are very, very wrong."

"What's your power, hm? Lookin' pretty?"

"What's yours? Picking on people?"

"Apparently so."

"Well? Do you seriously not have a power? Is that why you attacked my boyfriend? Jealous?"

I huffed and tunnelled through the ground so that I popped up right behind her. "I think I've a pretty good power, if you ask me."

"Nothing an underground train can't do, you little sucker."

I frowned. "Well, you haven't showed me your power yet, honey."

She walked up a wall and stood there.

"Nothing Blu-Tack can't do," I laughed. And that's when she pulled out this huge-ass sword and nearly took my head off.

I held up my hands. "Whoah! Lady! Chill!" I may have been panicking a tiny bit, but I'm not going to admit…oh, I just did.

She just laughed and sheathed her sword. "You got pawned," she smiled as she walked off to go find the bald nerd-man.

_-3 Days Later-_

Okay, so the girl's name was Tanith, and nerd-face's name is Ghastly. Pretty fitting name, if you ask me. It fits his face. I still don't get why she's going out with him.

Our class (yep, nerd-face is in my class. And Tanith isn't. How unfair is that?) has a couple of weird people in it. There's this really cool witty guy called Skulduggery, but he's nerd-face's friend, so he's automatically weird. Oh, and he's a skeleton. There's this guy called Mevolent, who's always trying to beat up everyone all the time. Plus he has three lackeys: this cocky guy named Serpine, witty-guy's twin brother Vile, and someone called Baron Vengeous. Then there's this too-beautiful woman who's serious all the time called Asia or Korea or something.

Oh yeah! China!

And speaking of her, she had a huge catfight with Tanith today. Over this girl in KINDERGARTEN. I think her name was Valerie or something. Anyway, for some reason everybody loves her, even though she acts like a sulky brat. It's kinda like Twilight.

She's the first person China ever really was nice to for the sake of it, but Val seemed to like Tanith better. I mean, who can blame her? China's creepy. And Tanith's gorgeous. Not that I think Val's a lesbian, but ya get the idea. (Well, sometimes you can't really tell. I don't think she's a lesbian though. In fact, I think she loves the damned Skulduggery fella.)

So China walked up to Tanith and tapped her symbols before whackin' her hands on Tanith's head. Tanith screamed and leapt up, and before you knew it they were fightin' in the yard. I kinda had to step in when it looked like Tanith was getting creamed. It was fun:

Me: "Yo, China!"

China: (turning around) "What?"

Me: (slashes face with straight razor)

And then China screamed and started running around like a headless chicken with her arms waving everywhere. Finally, she regained her composure and took a very deep breath.

And would you believe it, Tanith wasn't even remotely grateful. Not even a tiny bit. And I coulda saved her life, too! (Okay, well, maybe not. But China's dangerous, do you hear me? Not to be trusted!)

-_7 Days Later-_

Desperate times, desperate measures.

It's not even just about getting Tanith anymore. It's about showing nerd-face that I'm better than him!

I tried everything. Pranks, being practically her slave, flattery. I even tried to do real well in all my classes, but that only lasted a day. Math's too hard. Who wants to add up numbers anyways? Besides nerd-face.

So we were learning about Remnants in class, and then I had an awesome idea. Why don't I just get Tanith possessed by a Remnant? Then she'll be evil like me and she'll ADORE me. Problem is, I spoke to the teacher bout my need for a Remnant, and she wasn't very sympathetic.

So I passed this note in class to Serpine (cause he's super cool and evil, he probably knows where to find these things) tellin him I needed a Remnant, and without even readin the note he PASSED IT TO CHINA.

Now, I didn't know why he did that at the time, but I was later told that she was an information-gatherer. And as an information-gatherer, apparently she had to have every note in class passed to her. Serpine was the only one who played this stupid game, because apparently he was her boyfriend and boyfriends put up with this kind of shi- never mind. Seriously though, he puts up with a lotta crap. He once even took her to the god darned LIBRARY when she wanted to steal the books and sell them off for money.

So she read this note, and she gave me a silent nod and went back to whatever subject we were learning at the time. I was pissed at Serpine, but mostly I was kinda afraid of what China was planning.

Sure enough, I woke up at 1 a.m the next day to find her tapping on my window.

"What the hell are you doing?" I whispered out the window. "My folks'll wake up!"

China smiled. It was a scary sight, let me tell ya. "I have ensured that they will not. Oh, and before you ask, they're not dead, you little dipwit."

I just gaped like a fish until she half pulled me out the window. "Come on, let's go. We don't have much time."

As she ran down one of those dark alleyways, silent as a cat, I followed and asked, "So why are you helping me do this, huh? What's in it for you?"

She looked me in the eye, but still kept her (very tiring) pace. "I assume you want to give the Remnant to the blonde so that she'll fall for you."

I turned a little red, but I told myself she didn't notice because it was dark. "Uh... yeah."

"I have a score to settle with her. This is how I get even. And she knows you're hopelessly in love with her-by the way, I see you turning red-so she won't suspect that YOU'RE giving her the Remnant."

I wish I could tell you that I handled this well and didn't start choking.

I'd be lying if I did. I started stammering stupidly until I remembered that China Sorrows was NOT the boss of me.

"She IS the boss of you," laughed a voice, and I jumped so high in the air youd've thought I was an Olympic pole-vaulter.

"Hello, dear brother-of-mine," China smiled sweetly. "How nice to see you."

"I assume you need something," the guy said. He looked strong, even stronger than nerd-face, and he had the same piercing-blue eyes as his sister. He was also completely bald. What is it with these guys being bald?

"Of course I do, Bliss. I'm going to get a Remnant, and for that I need your Soul-Catcher."

Bliss (what kind of a name is that?) looked down at her and took her shoulders.

"Please," he said, "Stay safe."

I couldn't help it, so I asked, "Well, what the hell are YOU doing out at this time?"

"I'm murdering some of the Faceless One's traitors," he said gravely.

I gulped. "Uh, yeah, Kay."

China smiled at Bliss. "Good luck. Make it nice and clean. I wouldn't want you to ruin your suit."

"It's nice, isn't it? Here's the Soul Catcher. Please bring it back in one piece, or I will be forced to take drastic measures. Where's Serpine?"

"Last-minute studying session with Mevolent and the other guys. Then they're going to sell some drugs on the way home."

I just stood there like an idiot until China took my wrist and ran off in another direction holding the Soul Catcher.

"Alright, we need to get into the room at the hotel," she said, and we ran towards it.

"The Remnants are kept at the hotel?! THE Midnight Hotel? The one Shudder's daddy owns?"

She nodded just as we reached it. Thank God it was there. I woulda passed out waitin until noon the next day.

"Anton!" she called, knocking on the door. "Open up!"

A serious-looking boy with long black hair opened the door. Anton. He was a grade ahead of me, so I'd only heard the stories. Do NOT, under any circumstances, make him angry.

"China," he sighed. "Thank you for keeping me awake. You made the appointment for 12:30 a.m, and it's already 1:15."

"Just trying to avoid the midnight crowd. As always."

"Yes, well, Remnant trade hasn't exactly been amazing lately, so you could've come at 12:10. People have been going to other dealers as well."

She shot him a dazzling smile. "I'd never get one from anyone else. You're the best dealer."

He smiled, but not in a stupid-lovestruck way. It was like how you'd smile at an old friend. "And you're the best client. Always willing to pay so much."

She held out a sack of... what, exactly? Wait, I'd seen Mevolent and his guys with that... Oh. Oh, God. I was completely out of my depth here and I knew it.

"Can we just get out of here?" I whispered to China, who just gave me this look like GROW UP.

We walked inside towards the room with the Remnants, China and Shudder talking eagerly. I just followed them, slightly panicked.

Shudder held out his hand when we got to the room, and China held out the Soul Catcher and placed it there. He opened the door just a crack, and something black and evil got sucked inside the Catcher. China handed it to me to carry, waved cheerfully at Shudder, and then got shot to the ground by Shudder's father.

"Dad!" Shudder shouted. "What are you doing?"

"THOSE REMNANTS ARE NOT FOR SALE!" his father screamed, and slapped him. "I'M TRYING TO KEEP PEOPLE SAFE!"

He whirled towards me as China's blood collected in a puddle on the floor. "AND WHO ARE YOU?"

It was just too much, so I started laughing hysterically. "I'm..." And then I calmed down. "Yeah, you don't wanna know."

Then I tunneled.

So now I'm in my room, holding this Soul Catcher, and praying that this is gonna work. Because it took me a hell of a lot to get here.

_One day later_

Okay, um, well, it worked, but it's kind of weird.

First of all, Serpine totally beat me up when he heard that I bailed on China. She was in the hospital, in case you were wondering.

Second of all, I released the Remnant on Tanith today while she was alone in the bathroom before running away, and I haven't seen her since.

Fingers crossed.

_Another day later_

Okay.

Well.

She walked into school with straightened, black, Mohawk hair. She was also wearing dark lipstick and nail polish.

Basically she was a Goth.

I think the Remnant had something wrong with it.

And yeah, she totally has the hots for me now, but it's kinda ridiculous because she looks like a clown from a black-and-white movie. So I have no idea what the hell to do now.

_ANOTHER Day Later_

Well, today was very interesting.

Bliss showed up at school, ready to kick the crap out of me. China followed. Ghastly was by Bliss's side, fists clenched, and witty-guy was following him. The kindergartner named Valkyrie was crying, but fireballs were brewing in her hands.

And the police showed up too for the whole involvement-in-drugs thing. Oh yeah, China and Bliss framed me. Happy happy joy joy.

So I would've gotten myself killed.

Except for Mevolent showing up just as Ghastly went for the kill-shot.

"There," Mevolent said, "Is only going to be one group who beats people up, you hear me?"

Serpine, Baron V, and Vile appeared from behind him. Serpine motioned for China, who smiled and walked over to be by his side.

"Let's party," Serpine said, and then he lunged for the other group.

So basically everyone was fighting each other (except that Bliss started fighting on China's side) and I was sitting there in the middle of it all staring and wondering what the hell I was doing.

Finally, Mevolent's group won, and he turned to me and extended his hand. "Do you want to join us on the dark side?"

I paused. You know, to think it through a little.

Vile stepped out from behind him. "If you don't, we'll kill you."

"Oh. Um. Okay. Yeah, sure."

So I guess I finally got my wish. I'm now a guy who beats up other people, and Tanith loves me.

Be very, very darned careful what ya wish for.

**By the way, you'll be interested to know that this is the longest one so far. Keep leaving your lovely requests, and next up we have more Serpine! (And then I have to do the LETTER Sanguine gave Tanith in chapter 10. EEK.)**


	19. I Asked For Regular Coke (Serpine)

**Compared to the last one, this is very short and very pathetic. It's baaaaad. And it took forever because school is hectic. It's for amy, who's a wonderful supporter of this story (thank you so much!), and it's about Serpine. Serpine doesn't act like himself here, though, so be warned. And it's another AU.**

* * *

_I Asked For Regular Coke_

In which China kills a stuffed animal

* * *

"Serpine."

"Yes, boss?"

Mevolent sighed. "As a member of this retail company, you HAVE to learn to get along with your coworkers. You killed your last office partner, so we're giving you a man by the name of Baron Vengeous."

Serpine nodded.

It was a disaster.

"Nefarian?" Vengeous said. "Could you please fetch some of my prints from the printer?"

"Why would I do that?"

"Because I asked you very nicely."

"And what will you do if I don't do that?"

"I'll kill you slowly and painfully."

"Oh God, I'd like to see you try."

"I will."

"You're delusional."

Vengeous launched himself off the chair towards Serpine. Serpine just pointed and Vengeous screamed and died.

* * *

Mevolent had given him another coworker-this girl called Valkyrie.

"Serpine?" she asked. God, she was annoying. "Do I seriously have to sit here while you do all the fun stuff? Can't you teach me?"

"Look, no, I'm busy."

"Come on. Be my mentor. You know you want to be."

"No."

"Oh, come on."

"You think you're so wonderful, don't you?"

"Of course I'm wonderful. I'm a sixteen-year-old that everybody loves at first sight. And everyone fights over me. It's like Twilight, but without any differences between the vampires and the werewolves."

"I HATE TWILIGHT!" Serpine yelled, and he pointed and Valkyrie screamed and died.

* * *

China walked up to him and passed him a file. "I've organised this case very clearly. All you have to do is get the graph printed out and laminated."

Serpine nodded. "Finally, a good work partner. I'll get it done."

He stood up, accidentally knocking his coffee cup over and spilling coffee all over China's lovely white skirt.

Taking a deep breath, she closed her eyes.

"That. Was. Designer."

Her eyes flew open and she tapped a symbol on her arm. She threw a punch towards him, which he avoided, and her fist instead hit the stuff toy on his desk and it burst into flames.

"YOU KILLED FLUFFY PANTS!" he shouted, and he pointed at her and she screamed and died.

* * *

"Serpine!" Finbar yelled. "Yo, dude!"

"What?"

Can you like, file this?"

"I DON'T DO PAPERWORK!" Serpine screamed, and he pointed at Finbar and he died.

* * *

Serpine looked at Bliss.

Bliss looked back at him.

"WHAT ARE YOU LOOKING AT?!" Serpine screamed, and he pointed at Bliss and he died.

* * *

"Master?" Thrasher whimpered.

Serpine turned to face him. "What?"

"Is this…. is this ironing good enough?"

"Let me see. This one's good… this one, not so much… redo this one…. yeah, redo everything. And did you order my food?"

"Yes, master. A hamburger and diet coke."

"I ASKED FOR REGULAR COKE!" Serpine screamed, and he pointed at Thrasher and he screamed and died.

* * *

Serpine swatted a fly.

"Hush, now," Argeddion smiled. "You should never hurt another being. It is your responsibility, as a human occupying this wonderful place known as Earth, to have universal respect. You must not be deaf to the voice of justice, and you must not commit barbarous acts that shake the conscience of your pure, undying soul. "

"Oh my God," Serpine said. His hands clenched and unclenched, and he fought to keep his composure.

"Are you-have I made you angry?"

Serpine had tears in his eyes. "No. That was just beautiful. Thank you."

"I'm glad," Argeddion smiled. "Now, would you like some chocolate?"

"What kind?"

"Ferrero Rocher."

"YOU KNOW I ONLY LIKE LINDT!" Serpine screamed, and he pointed at Argeddion and Argeddion was still alive.

"I know my true name," Argeddion sighed. "You've forgotten that."

Serpine just kept pointing at him over and over again, so Argeddion curled his hand into a fist and Serpine exploded and died.

**Okay, well... yeah. I ****apologise. The next one's the letter Sanguine gave Tanith.**

**It's going to take FOREVER... any ideas on the contents?**


	20. What Needs To Be Said part 2 (Tanguine)

**I TOLD YOU THAT WAS GOING TO TAKE A WHILE.**

**Kind of.**

**So this is for MissiB, who has a gorgeous profile pic. It totally rocks. This is the very, very bad letter that Sanguine wrote to Tanith.**

* * *

What Needs To Be Said

_In which a letter is read. OH MY GOD that rhymes. _

* * *

Dear Tanith,

Hey, I know you've probably forgotten bout me, and all the stuff we used to do, and I'm ramblin', but I'm writin' this hopin' that ain't the case.

And we did a _lot _of fun stuff. Remember how ya visited me in the hospital? And the killin' spree? And then the police locked me up? Cos you told em I was responsible? Instead of you? (I mean, that's OK, I guess. Ya did get me outta there a half hour later.) Well, you know what, I've decided I don't care whether or not you remember. I still adore ya.

I also decided that it doesn't matter whether or not ya love me anymore, though I wish to God you would. I learnt somethin' real important durin' my time with you, which is that to love somebody is the most wonderful feelin' you could ever imagine. Even if they don't love ya back. I didn't really know if I loved you or whatever in the beginning, but I'm completely certain now. So Tanith, my beautiful blond girl, do with my love what ya want, because it'll always be yours.

Seriously though. What is the DEAL with Ghastly? His name totally fits him. I don't even know why you put up with him or wanna date him or whatever you're plannin' on doin' with him. Yeah sure, I know he loves ya. He has good taste. But I love you too, and though I've nothin' to give you materially, I want to give you my trust. I want to give you my loyalty. I wanna give you a huge damn knife so you can shop the bejesus out of Ghastly's brain.

Anyway, thank you for the time we had. It was the best time I've ever had. And in case you need or want another reminder: _I loved you before, I love you now, and I will love you forever._

Love,

Billy-Ray

**And the next one is coming up soon. Sorry that took so long... and it was terrible... and short...**


	21. Who Wants Salt-and-Pepper Ice Cream? (K)

**THIS WAS SO FUN TO WRITE and it's definitely my fave so far. Just warning you, I got tired near the end, so I may not have ended it so well... MEH**

**It's for a guest called Skippy, who requested a team of characters' children to go back in the past.**

* * *

"Look. This is a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to spite our parents and show them how capable we are. Are you in?"

"Come on, Ari," Joy groaned. "You're Cain and Pleasant's daughter, you have a hell of a lot more to prove than us."

"I thought you were my best friend!"

"Doesn't mean I have to do this."

"You'll be fine, Rosie," Candy Haze said, picking at her black-painted fingernails.

"Don't call me Rosie. My name is _Joy Rose. _Call me Joy, or call me Rose. NOT ROSIE."

"Yeah, whatever, shut your cranky mouth."

"You shut your Goth mouth! See, this is why popular people and funeral directors shouldn't mix."

"Mist is not a funeral director!"

"And Ravel's not that popular," Aretha Tesla whispered to nobody in particular.

"ARI!"

"Gee, sorry. Grumpy much."

Meanwhile, Loyalty Scar and Resentment Dark were glaring at each other in the back. They were complete and utter sworn enemies, which is what happens when the daughter of China and Wreath meets the son of Craven and Scorn.

"I vote for going," Resentment said in an angry tone.

"I vote for going too," Loyalty nodded. "And my vote is more important than yours."

"Is not. And besides, I voted first."

"I hate you to the ends of the earth."

"Run out of comebacks, huh?"

"No, otherwise I would've stopped talking."

"Really? I thought you weren't capable of shutting your mouth."

"SHUT UP!" Aretha yelled. "We're running out of time! We need to use this time-travel device before Dad notices I stole it from him!"

Clarabelle and Sanguine's daughter cackled madly. "Yeah, whatevs, we'll be fine! Who wants salt-and-pepper ice cream? Made it with Mom three weeks ago!"

Candy looked at the tub clutched in Jubilance's hands. "Did you keep that in the fridge by any chance?"

"Nah. Fridges are for losers."

"You're a rebel. I like that." Candy snatched it and began to eat it with a passion.

"Look," Aretha groaned, "Resentment and Loyalty are for it. Candy seems to be too. So Joy, we're going to drag you with us. And Jubilance, I don't think you know what day of the week it is, so you won't mind if we bring you."

"I know what day of the week it is! It's January!"

"That's a month."

"Crap."

"That's not even the right month. This is July."

"Double crap."

"But you got the correct starting and ending letter, so you've definitely improved."

"Oh yeah!" Jubilance started to dance really badly.

Joy looked away. "What are we even doing back in time?"

"We're going to go meet our parents," Aretha said proudly, "And help them with all that heroic stuff they used to do. And then we'll come back and tell them how awesome we were and stuff."

"Mom and Dad would kill me."

"Come on! Bespoke and Low are totally chill."

"Alright…well, fine."

They all joined hands around the time-traveling machine. Well, Loyalty and Resentment slapped each others hands away before they reluctantly touched index fingers, but that kind of counted anyway. Aretha pressed some buttons on the machine, and then a bright blue light enveloped them and they disappeared into the past.

When the blue light faded, they were standing in Valkyrie Cain's old living room. Melissa Edgley was giving them a very horrified look.

"I'M YOUR GRANDDAUGHTER!" Aretha screamed happily, and Melissa fainted.

Jubilance teared up. "That was a beautiful introduction."

Candy simply pulled out her cigarette lighter.

"This is a no-smoking house," Desmond Edgley said. "Please refrain from—"

He then paused. "Who are you?"

"The plumbers," Loyalty said.

"The electricians," Resentment said at the same time.

"Plumbers!"

"Electricians!"

"PLUMBERS!"

"ELECTRICIANS!"

"We're plumbertricians," Jubilance nodded.

Desmond scratched his head. "Aren't you guys a little young to be plumbertricians?"

Candy rolled her eyes. "Aren't _you_ a little young to be sitting here doing bugger-all?"

Spiders leaked out of her hands (did I mention she was a Child of the Spider?), and Aretha smacked her on the back of her head. "That's my grandpa, idiot!"

Desmond looked at her. "Stephanie has a daughter? Or did I have another child that I don't know about?"

"Val—I mean Stephanie is my mom, yeah."

"How old are you?"

"Fifteen."

"So she was two when she had you?"

"Our kind reproduces young."

"I see. Who's the father?"

"400-year-old skeleton.

Desmond looked just a bit baffled. "So… Wait… What?

Jubilance waved her hand in the air and Desmond immediately fell asleep.

"Alright," Aretha said. "Let's split up, find our parents, and meet back here at 4 p.m."

Everybody in the room who was not unconscious or sleeping nodded their approval, and the room slowly emptied out.

Aretha flew over the city. Her parents had raised her to become an Elemental, not wanting her to become caught up in Necromancer politics. She could see why—Loyalty and Resentment were always at each other's necks, although maybe that was just their families' rivalry.

Ah, there they were! Valkyrie and Skulduggery were coming out from the Bentley. Aretha had always wished she could ride in the Bentley, but Skulduggery had never let her.

"Hi!" she said to them as she touched down. "I'm Aretha Tesla, your daughter, and I'm an Elemental, and can I ride in the Bentley please?

Skulduggery gave her an odd look. "My daughter is dead."

"Not THAT one, the other one!"

"I have another one?"

"You are such a terrible father," Valkyrie laughed.

"And she's my mom," Aretha said, pointing at Valkyrie.

Valkyrie stopped laughing. "That doesn't... make sense... What? I'm too young! And I don't even remember... stuff..."

"I'm from the future, idiot!"

"I think your father would not be happy with you calling your mother an idiot," Skulduggery nodded. "I should know."

Valkyrie whirled around to face him. "And you're okay with this?"

"Why shouldn't I be?"

"Because we're not a couple... like that, anyway! And we'd never... Aretha, are we married?"

"In my time, you've been married for sixteen years."

Valkyrie turned white. "And when... when did the relationship start?"

"Today, actually."

Valkyrie looked like she was about to faint, so Skulduggery put his arm around her. She made a half-hearted attempt to swat him off, and then seemed to give up.

"We're really married?"

Aretha showed them a picture of them hugging her as a baby."

Valkyrie began to tear up. "Okay." And then she kissed Skulduggery full on the teeth.

"Ew," Aretha groaned.

Meanwhile, Joy and Candy were having tea with Tanith and Ghastly. Candy couldn't find her father anywhere-he was probably tunneling somewhere. And Clarabelle? Only God knew where she was. Candy doubted even she knew where she was.

"Would you and your friend like some more biscuits?" Ghastly asked, pink mittens covering his hands.

Joy sighed. "She's not really my friend, I mean..."

Candy rolled her eyes. "Don't bother, I already ate the rest of the cookies while you were getting us some more tea. Oh yeah, speaking of the tea, I spat in it. So don't drink it."

"Why would you spit in the tea?!" Joy yelled.

Tanith sipped her tea. "Spit doesn't bother me."

"My spit contains spiders."

Tanith dropped the cup and screamed, then spat spiders out of her mouth frantically. Candy just laughed.

And that was when Sanguine tunneled up through the ground and grabbed Tanith by the throat.

"We're plumbers, dumbass!" Loyalty was yelling.

Yes. It was still going on, and the people in the library were getting seriously pissed.

"ELECTRICIANS."

"Plumbers!"

"Electricians!"

"Electricians have a more dangerous job! We could've electrocuted ourselves pretending to be an electrician!"

"But plumbing is SO ANNOYING," Resentment whined. "I don't want to dig around in somebody's poop!"

"Would you rather get electrocuted? Be a man!"

"You be a man!"

"I'm female, stupid!"

"What's going on in here?" China Sorrows sighed. "Would you please be slightly more quiet?" Scorn followed her out.

"Yes, mother," Loyalty bowed. China raised a delicate eyebrow.

"I am not your mother."

"I am from the future."

"Prove it to me."

"Wreath is my father. Until you decide to acknowledge my birth to the public, you are keeping me behind this secret bookshelf."

Loyalty pressed a button and a bookshelf slid back to reveal a tiny baby in a crib.

Everybody in the room looked at China. China looked almost horrified.

Wreath, unfortunately, also happened to be in the room reading a book.

He gave her an almost uninterested look. "You hid our baby in a bookshelf, did you? How original."

China glared angrily at him. "Where would you have put her?"

"I," Eliza Scorn smirked, "have a much better place for my baby boy, because I'm not ashamed of him OR my relationship with Craven. My little boy has his own mansion."

"Liar," Resentment muttered. "You hid me in the fridge."

Eliza hit him and he howled.

"You just hit our son?!" Craven yelled. "How dare you!"

"Back off," Eliza growled, and Craven backed off.

"Your partner is a coward," China smirked. "He absolutely _pales _in comparison to mine."

Eliza put a hand on her hip. "Oh, you think?"

"You know me, Eliza. I always think. Unlike you."

"I think!"

"On occasion. When it serves you best."

"I'm not paranoid like you are, though."

Craven laughed and Wreath turned to face him.

"You think your wife is better than mine?"

"Yeah, I do. What gave it away, besides that my wife is totally OWNING yours?"

"You're so wrong, you have no idea."

"Oh, you think? ELIZA! KICK HER ASS!"

Eliza gave him a look. "I don't take orders from you. Shut up."

He shut up.

"You have him well trained," China said with a note of admiration in her voice.

"Yeah, Craven," Wreath grinned. "Scorn _owns _you."

"Does not!"

"He does whatever I tell him," Scorn said, slightly pleased. "Craven! Kill Wreath!"

Craven immediately started to whip up shadows. Wreath got his cane ready, and China came to stand beside him.

"That's hardly fair, China," Eliza sighed. "I guess I shall have to fight alongside my puppy dog of a husband."

She shot red light towards China, who deflected it by tapping some symbols on her arm and pushing the energy away. Wreath whipped shadows at Eliza, who used China as a shield. Wreath withdrew the shadows at the last second, redirected them at Craven, and then the reader got bored already so September decided to start writing about Tanith and Joy instead.

"PUT MY MOM DOWN!"

Sanguine laughed. "Hello, darling."

"Don't call me that!" Joy snapped. "And what are you doing with her?"

"I want her to give me the child," Sanguine growled.

"Child? What… which child?" Joy asked, looking around in confusion.

Sanguine looked pointedly at Tanith. "Say you'll give me the child, or I'll kill you AND her."

"What are you talking about?" Ghastly said, pulling Sanguine off Tanith. "And how did you know Tanith was having my child?"

"It's not your child, dumbass," Sanguine snapped. "It's mine."

Candy picked at her leather boots. "Intense."

Then Ravel burst in the door. "Tanith! How's the child?"

Tanith turned white.

"How do _you _know about the child?" he yelled.

"Um, sorry to tell you Ghastly… but I think it's mine," Ravel sighed.

Sanguine looked confused. "No! It's mine, isn't it?"

Ghastly sat down and Tanith burbled a little bit.

"It's mine!"

"MINE!"

Tanith attempted to run from the room and the three men caught her and started questioning her.

Finally, she screamed, "I DON'T KNOW!" and fled the room, leaving the guys to beat each other up.

Joy and Candy gave each other puzzled looks, when Sanguine grabbed Joy and Candy and held a knife to their throats.

"STOP OR I'LL KILL THE GIRLS!" Sanguine screamed.

Joy yelled and kicked. The decision to not be magical was not very smart, when she thought about it. Candy, meanwhile, yawned.

And then Jubi burst into the door.

"DADDY!" she cried happily. She caught him in a bear hug, and then she made everybody in the room go to sleep.

"Come on," she laughed. "Let's go back!"

"Where have you been?" Candy frowned.

Jubilance grinned. "I'd rather not say."

China and Eliza were slapping each other on the floor, and Craven and Wreath were hitting each other with their Necromancic objects instead of actually using them. So Loyalty and Resentment were seriously bored.

"I'm sorry about the fridge thing," Loyalty sighed. "At least I had a crib."

"It's okay. And you know what, maybe we could've been plumbers."

"Really?"

"Yeah. This is stupid," Resentment said, gesturing to the fight going on around them.

Loyalty nodded and took his hand in her own. "I agree. Let's go home."

And they walked off, still hand in hand.

Aretha was waiting for them at the machine, along with Joy, Jubi, and Candy.

"That was interesting," they all said in unison, looking pointedly at Resentment and Loyalty, and then they disappeared in a flash of blue light.

Later, after suitable bragging to parents had been achieved, Candy went up to Tanith. "Is Rosie my half-sister?"

Tanith sighed. "I honestly don't know. I never got her tested."

"Well, you should do it now. For her sake. Otherwise she might stay angry forever."

Joy had been curled up on the couch, not talking to anybody, for about two hours.

"Alright, I'll do it."

They got her tested, and some time later the results came back—Joy was Candy's half-sister. Candy gave her a hug and bought her some black nail polish.

"I don't know," Joy sighed. "My entire life I thought Ghastly was my father, and now… I don't know what I know anymore…"

Candy hugged her again. "Look, Joy, it doesn't matter who your blood father is. Ghastly loves you so much. And so does Tanith. And honestly, so do I. We're a silly, lopsided family."

Joy laughed for the first time that day, and then drifted off to sleep.

**Sorry for the randomness. I'm afraid I can't write a Dexter/Rue fanfic because I never read TMS, but I will see what's up next... bye!**


End file.
